My Gift To Me

On Saturday's Ethan and I have our normal routine that consist of a morning walk around the neighborhood. Today, while on our walk, I was taking in the day, the sun and listening to Ethan point out the birds, bunnies and planes and I started making a list in my head.

See in about a month my family will start asking me what "Santa" should bring Ethan for Christmas and I just find it easier to think of things ahead of time so when the question comes up, I have an answer. In trying to figure out what Santa should bring Ethan - I remembered to when Christopher used to ask me, "So. Love. What do you want for Christmas?"

I used to laugh and tell him what ever he got me I would love - even if it was just an empty box of tissue paper (that was an inside joke). But the truth of the matter is Christopher always found something that I would never think of and I loved it. That was the hardest part about last Christmas - not having a gift under the tree from him.

My mind started to wonder about this Christmas. How would I feel? Would it be different since this would be the second Christmas without him? And one of the things that came to my mind was that I should get my self a gift. One that will mean something to me. Not clothes. Not stuff for the house. Something for me. Something that when I look at it will remind me that I can do anything - even get through the holidays.

A friend of mine told me about a necklace that a single mom only sells to single divorced moms - it's a leaf and represents the idea of "turning a new leaf". My friend suggested that I get one. So I went on the website, read the story and in the end - it just wasn't for me. I guess, in the end, I'm not turning a new leaf. The leaf just didn't mean anything to me. No matter what beautiful story this woman wrote about it.

So while on my walk I thought about who I am, where I've come from and what I have done in my life. Then like on cue Ethan broke my train of thought and yelled, "Mommy, bird, bird, bird. It go tweet tweet tweet!"

I looked at this bird, this little bird that had no fear while I walked past it with Ethan yelling at it from his stroller - it just stood there looking at us. Feathers blowing in the wind. Then it hit me. A feather - my life is like a feather. My core is strong while the beauty of my outside is delicate, soft and it's what helps keep me warm at night. A feather in old-den times was used as a writing tool to spread the word - I want to keep Christopher's story, our story alive for people to give them hope.

As in all things that I do - this too had to have meaning and with a simple little "tweet tweet" from my muppet - I found it. So tonight I went online and found what I was looking for. Like it was meant to be. This necklace; a feather and a cross together on one chain. With a small little diamond (the stone of eternity) in the center of the cross and the feather that sits so nicely next to it. The feather and the cross - my life, God's plan - I could not ask for anything better.

This is my gift to myself. Something that has meaning and will remind me when I wear it that I am a strong person - that what I have been through makes up who I am - not what I am.