So I know I have posted about hope, life and love and everything making me stronger blah blah blah. But I will admit as we approach the one year marker my mind drifts to a year ago. A year ago this month Christopher had a CT Scan that showed the cancer wasn't growing. Our hearts were filled with joy at the prospects of possibly being at a turn in the journey of treatments. One month later I would get the phone call that dropped me to my knees; "he's in liver failure, he's dying." And a month after that, "the great sadness" as the book The Shack calls it. These next few months make me think about everything - how Ethan was a year younger, how my hopes and dreams were yanked from me and set a blaze in a carnage that can only be seen in bad made for TV movies.
Ten days after Christopher passed away - Grams passed away. While I stood in the hospital lobby wearing Christopher's old baseball tee, talking on the phone, passing the word of what had happened and trying not to lose it - or at the very least from running outside and shouting to the heavens, "SERIOUSLY, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! KICK ME WHILE I'M DOWN DON'T YOU!" I stood there - looking at my refection in the window, seeing a woman who had been through a lifetime of everything and nothing all at the same time and she was only 31. I used to tell Christopher I did yoga so I could live to be 100. And he would laugh at me; he always thought I was joking. But I wasn't and all I could think of was - if I live to be 100, what else is there to do in life now - I've done it all and I'm only 31....
So I took my mother home - called who I needed to get things moving for Grams - I had become a pro at this by now. And went to bed. The next morning - I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay there and hide - hope that this was all a dream - one very sick dream, but the empty place in our bed next to me told me otherwise. That morning I chose to get up, keep moving and make it through this - this day, this hour, this second. I told my self that everything was going to be ok, Ethan was going to be ok and time would heal everything.
I've told my self this every morning since they passed, I've blown wind up my skirt as my father likes to put it. Time will heal. I filled my life back up with music, and tried my best to move past somethings that I thought were holding me down. And after a year I think I have - finally. The mornings; while still rough getting Ethan ready for school and me ready for work, have gotten a little brighter. So much has changed in a year it's almost hard to fathom.
Ethan is in pre-school and doing so well (I'm so proud of him) and I'm praying that he's completely potty trained by Halloween. Work is work, but we are weathering this economic situation with the world rather well. I'm finding recently that I do crack a smile from time to time. And while there is still a pain in my heart, there are things in the world that I'm looking forward to and hoping for and that helps ease that pain.
Every morning I have a arsenal of music that helps me get through the days (as many of you who follow me on Facebook know). Today the song that started me writing this post, "Until the end" by Breaking Benjamin. I've hummed this song to my self - allot... But the message is clear and has helped me get through the days that I thought would never end.
Why give up, why give in?
It's not enough, it never is.
So I will go on till the end.
It's easy
To fall apart completely.
I feel you creeping up again.
In my head.
It's over,
No longer will I
Feel it growing colder
I knew this day would come to end,
So let this life begin.
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