Happy Birthday Day Muppet!

Dear Muppet,

Today for you is like any other, we got up, I dropped you off at school and soon I will pick you up and we will do our nightly routine. Today for you, is like any Monday. Today for me is a little different.

Three years ago today I was three days over my due date, big as a house and couldn't wait to see what God graced us with - a little boy or a little girl. I personally didn't care as long as you were healthy. The night before you were born I asked your Daddy a question, "Love (that was my nickname for your Daddy), what do you think we are having?"

Your Dad looked off into space, his eyes glazed over and fought back the tears as he said, "I don't care as long as I am a good dad; I need to prove that to my self. That I am better..." his quiver in his voice took over and your Daddy began to shed more tears over the love he didn't even know yet had for you.

I gave your daddy the much needed hug that I think we both needed and told him he would. Then I rolled over and prayed what was at the time the hardest I had ever prayed; that God would grace us with a little boy. A little boy that would show his Daddy that he was, would be and forever always be the best dad any little boy could ever want or dream of having.

The next night you were born at 9:50pm. Your Daddy teared up again as he held you in his arms and told me, "Ethan is here". You, my muppet, were the most perfect little thing I had ever seen. You were and are the perfect mix of your father and I. You have his face, but you captured his soul with my eyes. Looking at the two of you look into each others eyes I knew from that moment that you two would always have a special bond - one that would transcend time and space. You were his boy. His "precious baby boy" as John Lennon puts it; a song that reminded him of you. A song he head close to his heart and listened to it often.

I don't know why God thought it was your Daddy's time to go, but know that you two had a very, very remarkable bond. One that I can only hope to live up to one day. He loves you Ethan even from the heavens above he looks down on you and smiles at the great steps you have taken in this last year. Your vocabulary is booming and you and I converse in the most Ethan-isc conversations that make me laugh and help gives me hope for our future and what lies ahead of us. You are our muppet and always will be our muppet, even when your 33 or 103. We are so proud of you and the years ahead, while your path might be filled with questions, know that I am here to answer them the best I can and those I can't; I pray that time and your resilience in character find them for you.

I love you Muppet, Happy Birthday!

The Past, Present & Future

Ok, so hunker down and grab a tissue - this will not only be a long post but might make you cry.

One of the things I have been working on with my therapist is how to "move along" in my life. Notice I didn't say "move on". Moving on to me means throwing caution to the wind, forgetting about Christopher and the love we shared for each other and feeling as though I have to replace him and that feeling he gave me. Something I don't ever want to do; EVER! Moving along to me means always carrying him in my heart and keeping his memory alive in everything that I do for my self and for Ethan.

So a little over a month ago when I thought I was turning a corner in my grief, I told my therapist I thought I was ready to "move along". To which he asked me what did that mean to me. Did it mean taking pictures of Christopher down? Ummm, hell-NO! Did it mean not going to visit him every Saturday and Sunday? Umm, maybe just once a week, maybe, maybe not? Did it mean taking off my rings? UHHH, hello, no-freaking way! So my therapist left me with the question, if I am "ready" to move along - then what sign do I do for my self to show the world that I am - other than posting it on a blog for the world to see?

I have to admit, I left his office exasperated. Why can't I just say it and it be real? Why do I have to do something? Is my spoken or written word not good enough for people? SO for a week till my next session I thought about it heavily and more so than I probability should have, but I went into my therapist office and was going to tell him, "Ok on my 8 year wedding anniversary, all the rings coming off." Then I looked down at them. Three little rings that meant the world to me, each with their own diary of us with pages filled to the brim with stories. I cried...allot. I didn't want to take them off ever. This was Christopher and I symbolized and summed up in three little bands that sat so nicely on my left hand. The totality of our past, present and future in three white gold bands for all the world to see.

I didn't want to take them off, they carried our story of life, love and us around with them surreptitiously locked away in the dents, dings and scratches. When people saw them they knew that there was someone special in my life that I cared for ever so deeply and if they were removed - no one would know (and I want the world to know about Christopher and his story). They also kept me safe from people who wanted my number (and sometimes it didn't matter if I even wore them - yes a dad had his kid ask for my phone number at the park one day, but we can save that story for another time.) I was conflicted to say the least.

Then one night I had a dream and awoke with a plan. A master plan; a grand one, one that made me feel comfortable and at peace with everything. This was the plan. On May 26th (our 8 year anniversary) I would take off my engagement ring and put it up for whenever and if ever Ethan has a daughter. So that she might choose to wear it one day and remember our past; that her daddy came from a great love that his mum and dad shared. On September 19th (the day the doctor told me Christopher would die) I would take off my anniversary band and put it up for the same reason, but with the meaning that this ring represented the future that has changed its course yet is still full of hopes and dreams. Then on October 31 (what would have been 17 years of knowing each other) I will take off the wedding band and put it up with the meaning that this was our present - a love that goes beyond the mortal plain.

May 26th passed and I took off my engagement ring. My finger never felt so naked missing just one ring and a great sadness filled my heart after I did it. There were several times in the morning that I debated wearing it "one more day for old-times-sake", but I told myself I needed to do this and I needed to do them on the dates I picked for them. I didn't want it to be some random day on the calendar. As an artist; there had to be a greater meaning for this moment in my life.

For one week I scrutinized my ring finger with two little bands peering back at me and all I could think of was - in a few months this finger will be exposed. Stripped of what made it and me feel balanced in this world. And most of all, I felt like without them, Christopher would leave me heart and while that was not only the most ludicrous thing I had ever thought it was also what consumed me daily. Then it came to me like most of my creative processes. And like most of my creative methodology, I knew it was right the moment it popped into my head and had to do it!

So less than three weeks ago I walked into my favorite jewelry store on a mission to help aide in my journey of healing. I explained to the woman across the counter what it was I wanted to do and she placed my order quickly and with a quiver in her voice told this was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard of anyone doing and she was happy to be apart of it. That for me was complete reaffirmation that what I was doing was right and needed to be done.

Today, I picked up my order I placed so many weeks ago and I knew what I had done was the right thing by the way my heart warmed when I saw them. So is it eating at you yet, what it is? I ordered three bands and had them engraved. My "new normal" bands if you will. One to represent the past, present and future; just like my other bands with a whole new meaning.

The ring that represents the future has engraved on the inside, "EWS 06-29-06". This is Ethan's ring and reminds me that mine and Christopher's future doesn't have to die; for it lives brightly in Ethan's future.

The ring that symbolises the past has engraved on the inside, "04-18-75 JCS 10-12-08". This is Christopher's ring; to remind me that while his life was short - it was full and beautiful.

The last ring, the present, my ring; engraved in it is, "JCS (the infinity symbol) DAS". Now and always we will and always be together bonded by a love that was as special as it is unique in it's own right.

So as I take one ring off, another will come on as a representation of my two lives inter twined in each other; what was normal and comfortable will be transitioned to my new normal and my new comfortable with my self, Ethan and single parenthood. So today I placed on my finger next to my wedding bands Ethan's band. It's so hard to describe how right it felt on my finger and how it made me feel whole. And by that feeling alone; I know what I am doing is right.

As the song goes, "there is always going to be a another mountain I'm going to have to climb". This was my mountain, and while I'm not over the peek, I've got a better grip and I'm heading towards the top....

Muppet

Yesterday, someone, whom I didn't know from Adam, asked me a what I thought to be a very odd question; "why muppet?". Huh? Why do I call my child muppet? Why does anyone really have a nickname? Why do some people talk about themselves in the third person? For that matter, why do some people don't even use their first names and only go by their middle name?

Ok that aside, I think the person's question threw me because right before she asked me with one eye brow cocked and looking at me over her sun glasses she called her daughter, and I quote, "sugga-bugga-buger-bugga-boo-boo". Say what? Why don't you just call her "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"? But in all fairness we all as parents have odd nicknames for our children; I think her question just came out of the blue and I wasn't even talking to this person, so it sorta felt like a personal jab. But I digress and I'll get off my soap box.

But it's true, my nickname for Ethan is muppet and I know I have used that nickname here before and I thought I would explain the sweet story that lead to it. Christopher's schedule and mine were alway different and on his days off Christopher would stay home with Ethan, it was there father-son bonding times. (Christopher always looked forward to these days). Well; Ethan must have been about 3 or 4 months old and we were working with him to sit up on his own. One day I came home from work and sitting in the chair was Christopher with Ethan on his lap. As I walked in the house Christopher sat Ethan up, grabbed his arms and started moving them around while Christopher sang, "Hello my baby, hello my darlin, hello my rag-time gale..."

I cracked up laughing for so many reasons and asked Christopher if he enjoyed making our son into his little "puppet". And right as Christopher replied, "he's more like a muppet", Ethan opened his mouth and made what can only be describe as the sound Animal from the muppets makes. And the nickname was born. But we only used it when we talked to each other about Ethan; never to others. It was our pet name for us and us alone. However, after Christopher passed I remembered that story and I remembered the laugher that came from it - so I use it now as my nickname for Ethan. It reminds me of the bond Ethan and Christopher had, it reminds me of the belly laugh we had from it and most of all it was a time before cancer. Ethan is my muppet, but his nickname means so much more to me than just that.

So, you still wondering what I told that woman? I told her it was a family name passed down through the generations..... Ya, that got me an even stranger look. Sorta like the one your making right now. :}

Ethan's First Day

Yesterday was Ethan's first day of pre-school (insert a peacefully gliding tear falling from cheek here). It's so hard as a parent (or more so a mum) to drop off their child on their first day of anything. You worry about if other kids will be nice to them, will they have fun, will they make new friends and most of all will they give you hell that night for leaving them there for the day!

So yesterday, we got in our SUV and headed to school. I left a little sooner than I thought we needed too, so I could walk in with Ethan and make sure he was ok before I left. (That and he woke up at 5:30am - so we were ready a little earlier) We pulled up to the school and parked, then from the back seat came this little voice, "We no go to CiCi's?" (CiCi was the woman who was caring for him.)

Ugg, could he have said anything more powerful to tug at the E sharp of my heart string. I turned around from the driver's seat and took my sun glasses off so Ethan could look in my eyes, "No muppet, today is your first day of school. We are going to meet some new friends today. Would you like to meet some new friends?"

Ethan's little bottom lip rolled into his mouth and right when I thought he was going to break down on me, I got a resounding "OK!" from him with the biggest smile I had ever seen! I turned back around and let out the biggest exhale since his birth that I had ever done; crisis meltdown averted. After a brief walk across the parking lot and some short term debacle at the front desk, we were in!

I walked Ethan back to the 2 year old room (he can't go to the three year old group till he is potty trained) where he meet his teacher Ms Kelli. I have to say that Ms Kelli is one of the nicest woman I have ever meet. Her dad passed away when she was 2 and she relates so well to Ethan and is understanding of him and his feelings. She introduced her self and showed him where his cubby was. Ethan was so excited to see he has a cubby with his name on it and he got to put his things in it!

Then I pulled out a surprise for Ethan. I had our photographer Deanna make me a 5x7 of the photo of Ethan and Christopher "bumppin". (I just love that photo. It shows the very special bond Christopher and Ethan had.) We let Ethan hang it in his cubby and he told Ms Kelli that was him and his daddy - too sweet (insert another tear).

Then the fun began, you could see in Ethan's face as he looked around that "meeting new friends" meant he DIDN'T KNOW THESE KIDS YET. And the shy, hind behind mummy Ethan emerged. But Ms Kelli invited him to sit with her at the table and eat some animal crackers and color a picture. And well all she had to do was say color and he was in like flin and I made a graceful exit.

The entire day at work I thought about my little muppet, what was he doing, was he having fun, would he nap? And when I picked him up from school that afternoon - he greeted me with smiles and big, "that's my mommy!" (Insert warm fuzzy feelings here) as he ran up to me to give me a hug. (I just love my muppet.)

The rest of the evening he was a chatter box of anything and everything. He was telling me about the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything (Veggie Tales Movie - insert Ethan pretend sword fighting) and how he was a dog (insert Ethan panting like a dog) and then he was a monkey (insert Ethan getting in my face and going "ooooo, ahhhhhhhh!") then he was the sun (insert Ethan with his hands on his face cracking the biggest smile). You could tell that he had so much fun yesterday and it made dropping him off a little easier today.

32

Today I turned 32. Which for most would be a day that people revel in having others tell them "Happy Birthday!" and joking about turning a year older. For me it was a bitter-sweet day. Two years ago and one month (almost to the day) after Christopher's 32nd birthday we got the news he had cancer. Stage 4 cancer. At the time, I couldn't imagine what was going through his mind - I hadn't even turned 30 yet, so to me trying to figure out what it all meant; well lets just say it was all a rather large mind bender.

So today I woke up at 5:30am; Ethan greeted me with birthday wishes, oh, wait he did he not get that memo that he's suppose to let Mummy sleep in on her birthday? (I think he was just excited about his first day of pre-school - I'll write about that tomorrow) While I got ready I thought about what would I do or feel if someone told me today or a month from today that I had an illness that has no cure. Would I freak or would I be calm, cool and collected like Christopher? And well; I think I know. I would be like Christopher. Calm and cool under pressure. There is nothing you can really do about it, but live life like there is no tomorrow. Each day is a gift and not a given right.

And "what's worth the price is always worth the fight" has been a line that runs through my head often. There is so much truth in this statement. Life is too short to dwell on things that we can't control. There are days on the calendar now that will be harder than others for me and for Ethan; but that will not stop me from showing Ethan that life is about the beauty of the day and not pain and sorrow. I can choose to let these days get me down, or I can fight to make these days the ones I look forward too, to do whatever it takes to show Ethan that these days will not stand in his way of happiness; no matter his age.

I hope everyone can take some time out to listen to the song. It's been added to a CD I am making for Ethan of all the music that has meant something to me over this year. I hope that those of you out there going through something similar can find the comfort it gave me.

If Today Was Your Last Day (Album Version) - Nickelback

Peace That Surpasses Understanding

In these last few weeks, there has been a ton of things that have weighed heavily on my mind; the past month, the events of the month ahead and what waits for me in a few months. This Friday it will be 8 months since Christopher has passed and, yes, I talk about all the great things Ethan and I are doing and how this struggle seems a little easier knowing he's looking down on us, but there has always been a part of all of this that eats at me. A part that wants to "throw" (ok, well, maybe more like hurl) it all out there and hell-be-damned if someone tries and tell me I am wrong for feeling this way. But I never have - I just dance around that "fire" poking at it with a stick from time to time. More so to see if I get rise out of people, because I never felt in my heart that anyone truly understood that part of my pain in all of this. And to be honest, I don't think no one ever will; nor do I want them too.

One of the things that amazed me the most about Christopher was his understanding in everything around him. He knew there were reasons beyond his understanding. Either good or bad, he knew that he always had to be the better man in anything that was put in front of him. Because in the end no matter what little white, black or red lies we tell our selves to make us feel better - God knows. And God is the only person we have to answer to for what we did during our time on this mortal plain.

I was never that person. I awlays wanted justice; swift and sweet, eye-for-an-eye, feel my pain for what you did, sorta person. I was the person that saw a car speeding or riding on some one's bumper and I would tell my self "where is there a cop when you need one." And if there was a cop and he did catch the speeder, I revelled in their getting a ticket - karma bit them in the ass and the world seemed more balanced for it.

So one of my struggle is where is the balance in all of this? Where is that fairness that we are taught as children? To share and treat others as we would want to be treated; and all the other things our parents tell us we have to do to be good people. Where? Tell me, because no matter where I look - I don't see it.

Then I read something that raised an eye brow and in good-ole-"d" fashion, I mulled over it for two weeks (maybe a little longer). This was something that drove Christopher nuts was the fact that when I think about something - I "THINK" about in 360 degrees, wrapping my head around every facet and time is not a factor in this examination of something new. For only when we have looked at something at all angles can we have equanimity in our choices. The statement was "peace that surpasses understanding". This was a very interesting statement. How can you have peace when you don't understand it your self? I spent many a night watching my episodes of "Lost" on DVD only to realize after 2 hours that I didn't watch anything because my mind wondered back to this statement trying to figure out what it meant to me. These are my "revelations" if you will.

There are (and will be) several times in our lives that things happen and we don’t understand, and/or we may wonder why. This is particularly difficult if we were in the mindset of that this life is supposed to be fair and just, but it's not and it never will be. We can even further complicate things if we erroneously think that faithfulness to God is a guarantee of blessing and reward in this life. I have come to understand and accept the reality that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. In this life; sometimes the wicked prosper, and other times the righteous reign victorious. Sometimes nefarious people get away with things, and the decent people of the world are unduly condemned.

So what's the bottom line you ask? After all the bible mum-bo-gumbo, what does it really all mean? What it means to me; let me see if I can sum it up. That pain that I have carried around for over 13 years - is gone. It is not mine to deal with and it will only drag me down. People will not change and I can't ask them too. Do I understand why all this happened and why it happened to Christopher, clearly no. But in all of this, there is now a peace in my heart. One that wants to look forward and ask the world what it holds for Ethan and I - instead of looking back and asking why.

Does this mean that Christopher is out of my mind or my heart, HELL-FREAKING-NO! It just means that there might be a time that my heart and mind will have to grow a little larger to hold more people, places and events in it. My memories of Christopher and the time we shared are wrapped around me like a warm blanket that will keep me warm when I feel cold. I have reached that point where "peace surpasses understanding".

What this Month Holds

This month will be last "tough" month I'll go through before I hit the next big months; September and October. It's hard to think that 8 months have already pasted and there are times when I feel as though Christopher has been gone longer than a year and some times less than a week.

So much has happened in these eight months. Ethan is talking up a storm! Something I wish Christopher could hear (and I know he does - just not in the way I would like him too). He's new thing is "I did it my self". Every thing is an achievement with a small outburst of excitement, "I did it my self!" And it warms my heart to hear him so happy about something so simple as making his own PB&J sandwich!

In one week Ethan will start a new chapter in his life, one that as a mom I am so excited for him and scared to death all in the same breath. He starts pre-school. Which means, NO paci (Lord help me and any one else in ear shot of his whaling), NO Bob, Larry, Doggie, Cars and Blanket - only ONE blanket and ONE sleepy time friend. So this new change will be hard for him and I'm sure some sleepless nights for the both of us. But he will also get help with his potty training when I can't be there to help him and he will have an art teacher (love), music teacher (really love), computer class (really, really love) and Spanish teacher (really, really, really love - um, love as long as he doesn't start talking about me behind my back); all the things I want for him to learn and grow at.

Ethan also turns 3 this month. Where did the time go? There are days that I feel like I missed out on some aspects of his life because I was all to consumed with trying to help Christopher fight cancer. But I know that's not true. Time stands still for no one and one day my little muppet will be grown. It's destined to happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it, except take these moments to stop and savor them.