It All Started With A Phone Call

A year ago, Saturday, I knew something was not quite right. Christopher's work had called me and ask that I pick him up; he was in a daze, running on auto pilot and just wasn't him self. When I asked him what was wrong he told me he took his pills out of order (which if he did - would cause him to be sleepy). The next morning I got up and let him sleep in; praying that whatever was facilitating all of this would be able to be slept off.

He woke up around 1pm, thanked me for letting him sleep so late, but that I should have woken him up so he could spend time with Ethan and I. I could see in his eyes that something was wrong, but what - I couldn't put my finger on it, nor wrap my head around it. After making us some lunch we sat down to eat and Christopher took one bite from his sandwich and told me that he was tired and was going back to bed. Bells, alarms and being on the cusp of panic I let him go back to bed, but knew that I had to start forming my strategy quickly - I knew in my gut something wasn't right.

As soon as he was asleep I put Ethan down for a nap and raced straight for his pain medicine, taking two and three stairs at a time and if I was playing out some bad made for TV movie scene. I was sure that I had determined the crux - he was/had overdosed on his pain meds. It was the only thing I could think of (or that my mind would allow me to think of at that moment) - why would he sleep all day and not have a cohearnat thought? I looked at the label - refilled 7 days ago - 60 pills were missing - holly effing crap! I told my self over and over again not to get overwrought - there has to be other pills in his pill case that he carried around. There is no way he took almost 10 pills a day - he's only suppose to have 2-3 a day.

I dashed like mad to his pill case; there was only one pain pill in there. All sorts of expletives came to mind when the mental math, plus the overall visual of Christopher and knowing that one pain pill was like taking a hit of heroin came crashing into my head in one of the most vicious collisions I have mentally allowed my self to have. I called the doctor to get his thoughts on the matter and of course I get the - "leave a message and someone will call you back". I wanted to scream - "you a$$! what did you do to the one I love!" Instead, I left every detail twice and my number three times. I then hung up and called our neighbor to watch Ethan - I knew for sure in my mind's eye that he was going to have me take Christopher to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. I just knew it - I still had hope.

Right as the phone rang, my neighbors came knocking at the door and as almost planned down to the second by God. I got the news that literally dropped me to my knees and ripped my hope that had my knuckles white from holding on to it so tightly in those few minutes from my heart, mind and soul. The strength that had keep me from losing it the past 16 months was thrown out the window as if it was in some bad mob movie. It was as if a weight was placed on my shoulders and I didn't know what to do with it. So I let it crush me. I let it consume me for that moment. "You let 5 seconds of fear in - because that's all you need to give you strength - any more than that and it will drown you with it."

The rest of the day is a blur. Maybe because I blocked it out - maybe because it was just that - a blur. But out of that day I remember the pain. The pain of knowing that Christopher was going to die, the agony of knowing Ethan was going to grow up without his loving daddy, the torment of how in the hell was I suppose to do this and all the while thinking - "God picked the wrong hero to do this".

Here it is a year later and yet time makes it feel like it was only yesterday and yet also 5 years ago. I've become stronger (even though I hate that word, but that's for another post), I've gone through every emotion in the book - and then some when you look up the word grief. I've also been knocked down a few times, by those that surround me and those that know nothing about me. I have put faith in knowing that this had to happen as odd as it sounds. This, in some sick way, is what will mold Ethan for something later in life. What?, I don't know. Maybe he finds the cure for cancer, because of his dad. Maybe he shares his dad's story with someone who goes through the same thing and it touches them deeply enough to find hope their situation in life. Who really knows. I know I don't. That is the beauty and atrocity of it all - we don't know why and we might never will. And the only person who does know - doesn't often share his ways with us.

So as my process goes - another ring will come off Saturday. I put up my future, to remember my past - one that I will always remember, always love and always have a place in my heart.

Somewhere In Between - Lifehouse

Waging War Against Good and Evil

So recently, my dear sweet, Dublin the dog passed away. The day he passed away one of my friends questioned if this was a set back in my moving forward. I didn't have to consider the answer - it was. Dublin was my furry little guardian, my reminder of Christopher and all of our intentions before we had Ethan and before cancer.

I went to my grief therapist later that week and told him of Dublin's passing. He warned me that I would go through all the same emotions I went through this year again, but in a short time frame and ten times worse being that I was on the cusp of the two months I necessarily wasn't looking forward to.

See, one of the things I never really forced my self to deal with was the idea that my life was just Ethan and I. (And let me say - yes I have friends and family who are there to help when I need them, to which ergo, I'm not really alone in the world. Hear me out before you pass judgment here.) Dublin was my little furry feeling that there was someone else in the house - someone to talk to when I needed to vent at night. Someone who would bark at me from time to time to fill the silence that music and the TV couldn't mask. Now that he's gone I have to deal with the totality of those feelings and being alone. Those feelings were pushed deep down to deal with at a later date and time and well it's later and the pressure cooker has been stewing for awhile.

I left there in tears, already feeling numb (a phase of grief). The idea that I was going to go through what I went through for a year - again - was painful to think about. I sat at home that weekend and thought about everything. I thought about all that had happened in my life over these two years, all that had happened in Ethan's life, I tried see the sun through the trees and when I couldn't - I tried to break my sun into a million little pieces to try to see it better, yet as I tried all I saw was everything that was dark and looming.

I tried to fight it, but that battle was lost. To be honest, I don't like to take about my inner battles in my head where I try to see the positive, the negative, the good and evil of it all. These are my battles - private ones, ones that are for me and me only. But one of the things I do in my struggles to make it through is to get mad and get a hardened shell. Envision if you will, you know you're about to get hit by something - something hard; do you flinch? Tense up? For me I get angry, I look what's coming at me head on and take it. I refuse to curl up in a ball and be hit so I can be hurt.

So to get through these months I've gotten angry. And, as of recent, people have brought to my attention that I'm angry, pissy, and they don't know how to talk to me. Which I have to say, just pisses me off even more, because in the same breathe they tell me I'm not looking at the positive in life and some how make reference to me having Ethan, a house, my health, etc. And YES I HAVE ALL THOSE THINGS AND MORE!!! AND I'M THANKFUL FOR THOSE THINGS IN MY LIFE. I THANK GOD FOR THEM EVERY DAY.

However, there are times in our lives when we need to vent to get it off our chest - no matter what we say or if we mean it, it makes us feel better that we said it. It is that nagging thought that needs to come out and we tell it to our friends because we know that they will not judge us or hold it against us at a later date and time. Alas, in my case - people don't see it that way and well, oh the _____ well.

I have always been the person people came to when they had problems. Why? I don't know, maybe because I'm a good listener or I give good advice? I really don't know, all I do know is I am the friend people turn to - I've been the friend that listen to her friend talk about her marriage being a sham, or the friend who vents about the silliest little things, or the couple who vents about the other to me because they don't know how to communicate with themselves. And I think for once people don't know how to take the "d" that just needs to vent. That doesn't want to be laid back any more, the "d" that needs to get angry to make it through these months.

This is my battle with my emotions and I don't expect anyone to say they understand - because they don't and never will. I will never be able to put into words the way I feel - nor do I really want people try and understand. I don't care what people think their worse situation is in life, because take that and then take your best friend who always knew the right thing to say to make you feel better out of the equation and your spouse or anyone that made you feel better with a hug or that look in their eye, and now add in voices of other people's thoughts on what you should and shouldn't do, add a dash of crazy, a cup of frustration, stir, beat and bake in the oven for 350 until every last nerve is burnt to a crisp. Yeah - it's a little like that.

So let me be angry - I'm that proverbial super hero who at the beginning of the movie isn't the hero (or doesn't know it yet), then doesn't want to be the hero and yet after the most amazing battle and the dust clears - you find them standing, using their anger and frustration over the situation to stand a little taller, gain more strength and kick some evil a$$. I'll make it through this - I always have and I always will.

One Day

One day the months of September and October and the rest of 2009 will be a fleeting memory. One that for some will be filled with thoughts of how great this year was, others the change in their lives that happened and for me - well, lets just say I don't think 2009 will be a year I will want to look back on to. Not that is was a bad year or a great year - it was a year of transition; one that was painful and to say the least awkward.

It's no lie for anyone that has followed this blog that the months of September and October are not and will not be the easiest of months for me. In these next two months I will hit three more mile stones and one mile stone will be hit twice. By the end of October I will have completed a cycle - one that I didn't think would ever happen and one that I didn't know how I would make it through.

I have spent this year grieving, crying, being angry, sad, frustrated, wondering why and everything else that was left in between. And while this process is not something that will magically go away when I hit the one year mark (this is something that I will carry around for a long time). Christopher was my best friend in more ways than I could put to words at the moment - so I not only grieve(d) for my husband, but my friend.

We were each other's best friends - there wasn't anything I didn't know about him or his feelings and visa versa. That is what our relationship was - we respected each other on a different level than some. We both put family first and respected that we might share different ideas, but that didn't mean we cared any less for the other person. We respected each others feelings and never called each other a name or cursed at each other - we respected the up most rule - "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." Luke 6:31. This is what made us special; it's what made our relationship special to each other; it's one of the things I miss the most about him.

With that all being said, there are somethings I have come to learn over this year. I know I'm young and life didn't end because Christopher lost his battle with cancer. I have listened to other peoples view points on my situation. Honestly I've heard it all; from people's view points on one-night-stands all the way through their view points on why I should never re-marry or if I do how there should be no big wedding because I already had that - it seems everyone has an opinion on the matter of my life. And while I have tried to keep my thoughts and feelings on these topics the locked in my head and guarded by my tongue, I know there have been times I have been an open book instead.

I've spent this year sorting out my emotions of the, whys, the what ifs and what nows. I have come to understand the sound of silence - the beauty and vileness of it all. I've figured out how to balance work, Ethan and taking care of everything in between. I've blown "wind up my skirt", broke down, screamed, yelled, and sobbed. I've slept, not slept ,dreamed and wanted to dream. I've made choices on my own with no outside help; my thoughts have been my own.

The idea that a year will pass is completely over my head, but also completely under my feet and while I dread it - I yearn for it. To make it through this cycle, stand tall and say I did it. I've come across the other side - a little tattered around the edges, but still standing. As my old favorite saying says - "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. And what kills us was only a brief moment of weakness."

I don't want people to view me as damaged, bitter or fragile at best. It took me a year to realize that the word "widow" doesn't define me, it's just a part of who I am. I think it's a rare few that understand when I say "my heart is broken; yet still beats and through all the pain of where I have been, I know there is place where I will heal." Overly dramatic yes - but I know some of you out there get it.

I know that one day God's plan will make itself clear to me - or not - but I am ok with that. Either way, in the end, I'm still "d". I'm still the fun-loving friend who puts others before her-self, the person that finds the good in everything and everyone, I'm still a smart-a$$ when it comes to standing up for my self and most of all - I'm still just plain old "d".

Come on Sept and October - I'm ready for you.

My Gift To Me

On Saturday's Ethan and I have our normal routine that consist of a morning walk around the neighborhood. Today, while on our walk, I was taking in the day, the sun and listening to Ethan point out the birds, bunnies and planes and I started making a list in my head.

See in about a month my family will start asking me what "Santa" should bring Ethan for Christmas and I just find it easier to think of things ahead of time so when the question comes up, I have an answer. In trying to figure out what Santa should bring Ethan - I remembered to when Christopher used to ask me, "So. Love. What do you want for Christmas?"

I used to laugh and tell him what ever he got me I would love - even if it was just an empty box of tissue paper (that was an inside joke). But the truth of the matter is Christopher always found something that I would never think of and I loved it. That was the hardest part about last Christmas - not having a gift under the tree from him.

My mind started to wonder about this Christmas. How would I feel? Would it be different since this would be the second Christmas without him? And one of the things that came to my mind was that I should get my self a gift. One that will mean something to me. Not clothes. Not stuff for the house. Something for me. Something that when I look at it will remind me that I can do anything - even get through the holidays.

A friend of mine told me about a necklace that a single mom only sells to single divorced moms - it's a leaf and represents the idea of "turning a new leaf". My friend suggested that I get one. So I went on the website, read the story and in the end - it just wasn't for me. I guess, in the end, I'm not turning a new leaf. The leaf just didn't mean anything to me. No matter what beautiful story this woman wrote about it.

So while on my walk I thought about who I am, where I've come from and what I have done in my life. Then like on cue Ethan broke my train of thought and yelled, "Mommy, bird, bird, bird. It go tweet tweet tweet!"

I looked at this bird, this little bird that had no fear while I walked past it with Ethan yelling at it from his stroller - it just stood there looking at us. Feathers blowing in the wind. Then it hit me. A feather - my life is like a feather. My core is strong while the beauty of my outside is delicate, soft and it's what helps keep me warm at night. A feather in old-den times was used as a writing tool to spread the word - I want to keep Christopher's story, our story alive for people to give them hope.

As in all things that I do - this too had to have meaning and with a simple little "tweet tweet" from my muppet - I found it. So tonight I went online and found what I was looking for. Like it was meant to be. This necklace; a feather and a cross together on one chain. With a small little diamond (the stone of eternity) in the center of the cross and the feather that sits so nicely next to it. The feather and the cross - my life, God's plan - I could not ask for anything better.

This is my gift to myself. Something that has meaning and will remind me when I wear it that I am a strong person - that what I have been through makes up who I am - not what I am.

Doing Things Twice

Today when I got into work there was a package in my chair; a little white box addressed to Ms Denise A Seibert. I looked at this little white box in my chair and took a deep breathe. It's my new calendar for 2010.

Shortly after Christopher passed away I had to order my calendar for 2009 and I remember when it came in flipping through all the dates in this little brown book - how was I going to do this. How was I going to make it through this year? I wrote down all my important dates in it, closed it and prayed that time go easy on me. Before I knew it, Thanksgiving had passed, Christmas was a fleeting memory, new years was akward, and the rest of the year has seem to blow by.

Today was the first time I did something twice. I pulled out this little brown book and this morning filled it with all the important dates for 2010. I scanned through the dates, but this time instead of thinking how I was going to do this, I thought, "I did it once - I can do it again". I closed the book and put it aside, there were no prayers for time to be easy on me. Don't get me wrong, this new year will not be an old hat and I still know that I will have my ups and downs. But I have a feeling about 2010 - this will be my year. My year for something, I don't know what, but I know in my heart things have to start swinging in my direction. It's the laws of physics right?

The 3's

Today was Ethan's first day of school in the 3 year old group. I guess what's funny about this whole day was I was up most of the night trying to write the best "Love Note" to Ethan and in the end it was short sweet and to the point. I know what you are thinking - love note? Let me explain.

Being in the 3's (as the school likes to call it) there is a whole new world of things that they do that the 2's don't. One of them is "Love Notes". Every Monday and Tuesday you are suppose to write a note to your child filled with words of endearment so that they know you are thinking of them. You are also suppose to have a "backup" love note so if they have a bad day at school the teacher can pull out a note and help your child understand that your coming back for them and you hope they have a good day.

I think I wrote like 20 notes last night. All different and yet all the same. I had my own mind melt down as to how I put Christopher in the notes - see these notes are read aloud and I wasn't sure how this subject would be handled in a room full of children. That was all I need is to have some kid get upset that Ethan's daddy died and would his daddy die....

But then at the same time - this is Ethan's life. Nothing is going to change that Christopher is gone and I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen either. Ethan is becoming a little boy, he understands what it means when I say, "let's go visit daddy" and tells me all the time that "Daddy has flowers" and before we leave he gives Christopher's marker a kiss (there is a nice collection of lipstick and Ethan slobber on it now). So I was left with what to say?

This morning I re-wrote the love note again and this is what it said:

Dear Ethan (my muppet),

I want to start with saying your daddy and I love you more than you will ever know. We are both proud of you for everything you do in school and at home. You are very special to us in more ways than I can count. I hope day is a very special day for you Muppet. I think of you often while I am at work and know that as soon as my work is done I will be there for you with open arms to pick you up and bring you home. I can't wait to take you to the park after school so you can tell me all about your day and I too can tell you about mine.

I love you Ethan - my Muppet.

Mommy

I hope my little man had a good first day today....

Wind Up My Skirt

So I know I have posted about hope, life and love and everything making me stronger blah blah blah. But I will admit as we approach the one year marker my mind drifts to a year ago. A year ago this month Christopher had a CT Scan that showed the cancer wasn't growing. Our hearts were filled with joy at the prospects of possibly being at a turn in the journey of treatments. One month later I would get the phone call that dropped me to my knees; "he's in liver failure, he's dying." And a month after that, "the great sadness" as the book The Shack calls it. These next few months make me think about everything - how Ethan was a year younger, how my hopes and dreams were yanked from me and set a blaze in a carnage that can only be seen in bad made for TV movies.

Ten days after Christopher passed away - Grams passed away. While I stood in the hospital lobby wearing Christopher's old baseball tee, talking on the phone, passing the word of what had happened and trying not to lose it - or at the very least from running outside and shouting to the heavens, "SERIOUSLY, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! KICK ME WHILE I'M DOWN DON'T YOU!" I stood there - looking at my refection in the window, seeing a woman who had been through a lifetime of everything and nothing all at the same time and she was only 31. I used to tell Christopher I did yoga so I could live to be 100. And he would laugh at me; he always thought I was joking. But I wasn't and all I could think of was - if I live to be 100, what else is there to do in life now - I've done it all and I'm only 31....

So I took my mother home - called who I needed to get things moving for Grams - I had become a pro at this by now. And went to bed. The next morning - I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay there and hide - hope that this was all a dream - one very sick dream, but the empty place in our bed next to me told me otherwise. That morning I chose to get up, keep moving and make it through this - this day, this hour, this second. I told my self that everything was going to be ok, Ethan was going to be ok and time would heal everything.

I've told my self this every morning since they passed, I've blown wind up my skirt as my father likes to put it. Time will heal. I filled my life back up with music, and tried my best to move past somethings that I thought were holding me down. And after a year I think I have - finally. The mornings; while still rough getting Ethan ready for school and me ready for work, have gotten a little brighter. So much has changed in a year it's almost hard to fathom.

Ethan is in pre-school and doing so well (I'm so proud of him) and I'm praying that he's completely potty trained by Halloween. Work is work, but we are weathering this economic situation with the world rather well. I'm finding recently that I do crack a smile from time to time. And while there is still a pain in my heart, there are things in the world that I'm looking forward to and hoping for and that helps ease that pain.

Every morning I have a arsenal of music that helps me get through the days (as many of you who follow me on Facebook know). Today the song that started me writing this post, "Until the end" by Breaking Benjamin. I've hummed this song to my self - allot... But the message is clear and has helped me get through the days that I thought would never end.

Why give up, why give in?

It's not enough, it never is.

So I will go on till the end.

It's easy

To fall apart completely.

I feel you creeping up again.

In my head.

It's over,

No longer will I

Feel it growing colder

I knew this day would come to end,

So let this life begin.