One day the months of September and October and the rest of 2009 will be a fleeting memory. One that for some will be filled with thoughts of how great this year was, others the change in their lives that happened and for me - well, lets just say I don't think 2009 will be a year I will want to look back on to. Not that is was a bad year or a great year - it was a year of transition; one that was painful and to say the least awkward.
I have spent this year grieving, crying, being angry, sad, frustrated, wondering why and everything else that was left in between. And while this process is not something that will magically go away when I hit the one year mark (this is something that I will carry around for a long time). Christopher was my best friend in more ways than I could put to words at the moment - so I not only grieve(d) for my husband, but my friend.
We were each other's best friends - there wasn't anything I didn't know about him or his feelings and visa versa. That is what our relationship was - we respected each other on a different level than some. We both put family first and respected that we might share different ideas, but that didn't mean we cared any less for the other person. We respected each others feelings and never called each other a name or cursed at each other - we respected the up most rule - "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." Luke 6:31. This is what made us special; it's what made our relationship special to each other; it's one of the things I miss the most about him.
With that all being said, there are somethings I have come to learn over this year. I know I'm young and life didn't end because Christopher lost his battle with cancer. I have listened to other peoples view points on my situation. Honestly I've heard it all; from people's view points on one-night-stands all the way through their view points on why I should never re-marry or if I do how there should be no big wedding because I already had that - it seems everyone has an opinion on the matter of my life. And while I have tried to keep my thoughts and feelings on these topics the locked in my head and guarded by my tongue, I know there have been times I have been an open book instead.
With that all being said, there are somethings I have come to learn over this year. I know I'm young and life didn't end because Christopher lost his battle with cancer. I have listened to other peoples view points on my situation. Honestly I've heard it all; from people's view points on one-night-stands all the way through their view points on why I should never re-marry or if I do how there should be no big wedding because I already had that - it seems everyone has an opinion on the matter of my life. And while I have tried to keep my thoughts and feelings on these topics the locked in my head and guarded by my tongue, I know there have been times I have been an open book instead.
I've spent this year sorting out my emotions of the, whys, the what ifs and what nows. I have come to understand the sound of silence - the beauty and vileness of it all. I've figured out how to balance work, Ethan and taking care of everything in between. I've blown "wind up my skirt", broke down, screamed, yelled, and sobbed. I've slept, not slept ,dreamed and wanted to dream. I've made choices on my own with no outside help; my thoughts have been my own.
The idea that a year will pass is completely over my head, but also completely under my feet and while I dread it - I yearn for it. To make it through this cycle, stand tall and say I did it. I've come across the other side - a little tattered around the edges, but still standing. As my old favorite saying says - "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. And what kills us was only a brief moment of weakness."
The idea that a year will pass is completely over my head, but also completely under my feet and while I dread it - I yearn for it. To make it through this cycle, stand tall and say I did it. I've come across the other side - a little tattered around the edges, but still standing. As my old favorite saying says - "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. And what kills us was only a brief moment of weakness."
I don't want people to view me as damaged, bitter or fragile at best. It took me a year to realize that the word "widow" doesn't define me, it's just a part of who I am. I think it's a rare few that understand when I say "my heart is broken; yet still beats and through all the pain of where I have been, I know there is place where I will heal." Overly dramatic yes - but I know some of you out there get it.
I know that one day God's plan will make itself clear to me - or not - but I am ok with that. Either way, in the end, I'm still "d". I'm still the fun-loving friend who puts others before her-self, the person that finds the good in everything and everyone, I'm still a smart-a$$ when it comes to standing up for my self and most of all - I'm still just plain old "d".
Come on Sept and October - I'm ready for you.
I know that one day God's plan will make itself clear to me - or not - but I am ok with that. Either way, in the end, I'm still "d". I'm still the fun-loving friend who puts others before her-self, the person that finds the good in everything and everyone, I'm still a smart-a$$ when it comes to standing up for my self and most of all - I'm still just plain old "d".
Come on Sept and October - I'm ready for you.
1 comment:
Denise,
I am a good friend of Deanna's and she speaks so lovingly of you. While I have not experience the loss of a husband to cancer, I have gone through the traumatic loss of a loved one to cancer. My daughter Allie died almost five years ago (September 13th will mark five years). Like you, I dread September each year. I love the song from Green Day, "Wake Me Up When September Ends."
You sound like an incredibly strong woman. Thank you so much for this blog entry today. It's been a tough day for me as it would be my daughter's first day of kindergarten, a huge milestone for a parent. You're right--a grieving mom is not what defines me, just as widow doesn't define you. It's part of who we are. We just have to get past these milestones as they come and allow the tough emotions at times too.
Big hugs to you. I hope you and I get the chance to meet sometime. Deanna always says the sweetest things about you!
--Jenny
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