2010 Bucket List

Earlier this month my work had our holiday party at a nice, hip restaurant in downtown Dallas. A few weeks before the party I went looking for something to wear to it. Being that I had lost some more weight, the dresses that resided in my closet were all too big. I walked into one store thinking that I wasn't going to find anything, but I always like the clothes they have in their catalogs so I figured what the heck. After a little stroll around the store this cute little black dress caught the corner of my eye and I had to try it on. 

While thumbing through the sizes trying to figure out what size I am in this store the sales woman asked if I needed help. When I told her I was just looking and trying to find my size she said, "well we are all out of zeros in that one". I think I raised an eye brow at her, there was no way she was serious that she thought I was a zero. But shockingly she was. When I told her I thought I was a size six, she raised an eye brow at me and said there was no way and suggested a four. However, a size six and four were placed in the fitting room at my request.

I was shocked to find that I was a size four - I hadn't been a size four since college. I had to grin to my self while I looked at the sleek refection in the fitting room mirror thinking that in my mind I "thought" I personally looked "awesome" in that dress. Then I pulled out the price tag. My grin quickly turned into a frown. I couldn't see spending that much money on a dress that I was only going to wear once. Normally, I would tell myself that it was worth it because Christopher would always find some place for us to go so I could wear it again. But there is no Christopher to tell me that I could wear it again; ergo, there would be no other chance to wear it again; ergo, a giant waste of money. 

I sat on the bench in the fitting room. My eyes darted at all the clothes I had tried on - none made feel the way this dress made me feel. But the price. My logical side told me over and over, "you'll never wear this again - it's a giant waste of money. You'll never go anywhere this nice again that requires a dress like this. Move on to the next store." I started to tear up while the sales associate was knocking on the door asking if I needed more sizes. I composed my self long enough to tell her thanks and no and started to change back into my clothes.

As I started to slip off this dress, this dress that made me feel beautiful, I thought about the last time I felt pretty. It had been a long time. I couldn't even remember the last time I had looked at my self and thought I was pretty. I had spent the last two and half years taking each day day-to-day. Each moment of my day was planed out even while I was at work. I always called to make sure Christopher was up for his doctor's appointments and work. I always scheduled appointments and gatherings with our friends. I planed date nights. Got sitters. I did everything so that the house and our family kept moving forward in the fight against cancer. And with all of this I slowly watched the refection in my bathroom mirror get more tired and worn down. I spent more time worried about everything around me than I did my self.

It was at that point that I zipped the dress back up and took a picture of the dress with me in it and posted it on my Facebook page asking my friends for their thoughts. One-by-one friends responded with "get it", "you look great", etc. So after some soul searching I did go back and get the dress and I wore it to my holiday party. 

Do I regret getting the dress, yes and no. "Yes", because I really don't have another event or place to wear this dress to and more than likely in a few years this dress will get donated with only one wearing out of it. But at the same time "no" because - for the first time I saw my self as something other than a single, widowed, mom. I saw myself as a woman.

This little black dress now hangs in my closet and every time I walk into it I think about everything I went through and discovered about myself during 2009. I spent my days, day-by-day. I missed the man I loved. I cried. I didn't sleep. I created a schedule to cope with the missing and empty place in my heart. I found peace that surpassed understanding in Christopher's passing. I looked into my self to find the new "d", the one that still has to move along without the man she loved. I hit every milestone with conviction and tenacity. I made it a year and came to the realization that the word widow doesn't define who I am - I do. I am who I am and I will always do things "My Way" as Frank Sinatra puts it.

I will always remember 2009 for everything that I went through, but it's not really a year that I think I will find my self day dreaming about. I learned many things about life, my relationship with God and my self. I've learned that when you think you've hit that threshold, grit your teeth because it can be worse and you just might see it in your own life or of those of your friends.

I sat down today for the first time in my life and wrote down everything that I would like to "make" happen this new upcoming year. Now let me explain why I used the phrase "make happen". One of the things I did learn in 2009 is nothing comes to you. You can't sit at home and think about how you wish someone would come and take you out of your house - you have to get up off your rear and do it your self. Sometimes in life the best bet you can make is on your self. Friends and family are great, but they are also not mind readers. Life is what YOU make it. So I wrote my list of things I would like to make happen. Will they all happen - I don't know. But before the end of 2010 I would like to see little check marks next to all the things on my list. Hence why I call it my 2010 Bucket List. These are all the things that I would like to do, see or accomplish before 2010 kicks the bucket!

What are these things? Well there's allot. Some are privately for my eyes only, others are for Ethan and there are even things for Ethan and I to do together. The beauty of this list is that it is never ending. As I think of things I will add them to my list. And while I hope to do everything on my list - I won't be heart broken if some of the things don't happen - they just weren't meant to happen and I am ok with that.

So I know everyone is sitting there wondering what is on this list that I have jotted down in my little black book. Well here are a few and what they mean to me to have them crossed off my list.

A) Break Ethan of his "paci" habit.

Shortly after Christopher was told he had cancer Ethan became attached to his paci. Then after his passing Ethan and his paci became attached at the lips - literally. So I've put up with people's little comments here and there for a year now about how Ethan needs to lose that thing in his mouth. Well now that we have a year under our belt - Ethan has grown developmentally and I think he's ready. So come January 4th - starts his first day of no paci (this would be a good day to start saying extra prayers for my ears). To do this will help prove to me that I can be a great mom - silly I know. But while most people have their spouses to fall onto for support - I do this on my own. 

B) Go Ice Skating

This one sounds silly, but during our relationship the one thing I always suggested to Christopher was that we go ice skating. However, his schedule never really gave us the chance to. And well,  I'm just not going to spend another year wanting to do something and not doing it.

C) Donate another 12" of hair to Locks of Love

Yes in October I hope to have another 12" of hair so I can donate it again to Locks of Love in Christopher's memory. The one thing Christopher showed me was no matter how sick he was; he always thought of others. So in his honor I will continue to donate my hair until I donate the same amount of hair that Christopher was tall. This years donation will be two feet down - 4 to go. 

D) A day to my self each season

This year I plan on taking one day off of work during each season. While Ethan is in pre-school I will go and do things for myself. Maybe a massage, mani, pedi or even go watch a movie. Something for myself. Something to relax from being a single parent (at-least from the hours of 8:00am-5:30pm) One of the things I learned from my friends that are separated from their spouses is that the weekends that they didn't have their kids they used it as down time for them selves. I don't have that option, so this is the next best thing for me and my situation.

E) I want to feel beautiful 

Ok this one sounds strange, so let me explain. Just like that little black dress made me see my self as pretty for the brief moment I wore it - I want to get to a place where I see that in my self everyday without having to put on a little black dress to prove it to my self. How do I go about it - I don't know. But I have 365 days to work on figuring it out.

There are a few more things on my list and I hope that those of you who follow this blog will find some post here & there where I hope to get excited about crossing  things off my 2010 bucket list.

Doing Things My Way

There has been allot on my mind recently with the close of 2009 coming and of course moving into a new decade so to speak. Yesterday while making some of my world famous pralines I had the TV on in the kitchen and was watching Bravo's "Real Housewives of Orange County" (yeah - can't help it -train wreck - I think I actually lost some of my intellect while watching it)

So I know you all are asking your selves where this is going. Well I'm sure we all sit and see something or hear something and it reminds us one thing; that leads to another thought, then another and before you know it your off on another tangent? Well this is sorta how it happened for me and I will try to explain without losing you; so bare with me.

The Real Housewives of Orange County have a new housewife; I can't remember her name, but I don't think it's important. Any who - she was doing her interview where she explains her life, family life and views on raising a family - it all started ever so normal....

"My hubby, so-and-so, and I have a great relationship. We have three kids. My hubby works really hard and he knows that if he wants to keep me that this is the priority our life holds. I come first above all else, then the kids, then him, then the house...."

OK. Put the breaks on. What did she just say? Good thing I have DVR, because I had to rewind that and listen to it again. And yep. She said it. I think I might have dropped a praline on the floor when I heard it. Or a four letter exploitive - or I might have said the exploitive because I dropped the praline - not really sure.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but anyone that watches that show also knows she has a very strange relationship with her husband. NOW, I will be the first to tell people that ALL relationships are different and different people have different ways of making it work. But me personally, would NEVER put my self over the needs of my family. Who does that? (a statement that I find myself saying allot more lately).

That woman's statement brought me to something my mind has dwelled on allot lately. I have seen and heard of people become very self-centered towards their friends and lives. Maybe it's my situation, maybe it's the way I view things, maybe it's this new "d", the one that is shocked by how people treat those around them - the one who's eyebrows got a work out from all the "insert eye brow raise here" statements. Over the course of 2009 I have heard allot of stories from friends about their relationships, their friends relationship and strangers I don't even knows relationships. And all I can say - there would be allot more pralines on the floor if I just hadn't gotten used to the stories of who said what to who, who broke up with who and who was playing who. My friends know that I've called BS on one friend's friend's perspective of her life (did you follow that one), shook my head at one person's relationship with her BF and called one friend a "ding-dong" in the nicest of ways (insert eye brow raise) because I wanted to smack him up side the head. And in the end this all makes me shake my head.

So where is all this going? Well this morning while driving into work I was listing to Weezer's "Troublemaker". In a way I sorta relate to this song and what 2009, my friends, their situations and most of all life has taught me. Just like that housewife's statement, I have seen/heard things this year that make me want to "drop another praline on the floor". As I have said before 2009 was a year of transitions for me and while part of me can't wait for this year to be over, there is also a part of me that will always remember what I went through this year. This year was painful, gut wrenching and all-in-all not really a year that I told my self I would look back on. But that's not all true.

I did allot of growing this year. For Ethan. For my self. For whatever it is that life holds in store for the both of us. This was the year where I learned my about my own strength and weakness. I have worked really hard learning that it's ok to be afraid of the silence that fills a house that was once filled with inside jokes, joyful memories and the laughs of a family. Those memories are locked in my head to share with Ethan one day and now I fill that silence with new memories for Ethan and I - baking cookies, laughing at the funny faces that my muppet makes and most importantly finding the strength to laugh at my self. I've learned that there is a peace in the empty place next me in my bed. To know that the person who was there is no longer in pain and where he resides in is full of love and joy and that warms my heart. That the love I had for Christopher will live in my heart and Ethan's smile for as long as I reside on this mortal plane.

But above all that - I have learned that as much as I see the good in people - there are people out there that are not as nice or giving. However, that will not change me. I am that "troublemaker" who does things her way; who will still call BS on her friend's friends. Who's not afraid to raise an eye brow at one friends actions or smack her friends up side the head for being a little too trusting 101-times to many. I do it all my way and I will never take from a friend, but only try and give them the peace they need to make it through this journey life gives us. I have learned that it is ok to be who I am. That my friends don't define who I am - I define who I am and I do that through the things I think, do and become a part of.

So what's the moral of this post? Well. In a round about way. It's sorta like this. It's the holidays. Look to your friends and let them know what they mean in your life. Put someone or something, other than your own needs, this time of the year even more so, above anything else. Good will towards man and all that good stuff. Look outward at what you can bring to the world instead of inward of what can get out of those around you. Do me a favor and pick the praline off the floor, brush it off and pass it forward.

(if you still don't get it - Read Dickens's "A Christmas Carol" if you need it to be a little clearer.)

Club "W"

I've mentioned here before that in life you are often given the choice to do what is right and what is easy and I guess I know the universe a little better than I should. Last night I did what I do every Monday after work, I rush to Ethan's pre-school to pick up my muppet. Last night was a little different though. I walked in and could sense that something was afoot. Was it the way the teachers looked at me, was it the air of silence around the building; I don't know. What I do know is that I could tell something was about to happen, but to be honest, I thought a teacher was going to tell me that Ethan pooped in his pants or got into a fight over a toy. What I got - I wasn't expecting.

I walked in and Ethan came running up to me. He was happy. Joyful. Ok, I thought to myself, maybe that something that I felt was a bad lunch coming back to haunt me. Then while putting on Ethan's coat one of his teachers came up to me.

"Did you hear?" she said in a very soft and gentle tone. Once I heard this, my observation in people kicked in. I quickly noticed her left hand holding up right as if she didn't know if she should put a hand on my shoulder. Her veins in her hands were standing out; a sign of increased blood flow and heart rate. That gentle tone in her voice, the calm before the storm.

I braced my self and asked, "Hear what?"

She took a long deep breathe and as I waited for her to respond to what seemed like forever my mind started to dart back in forth as to what she was going to say - was she leaving the school and wanted to tell me because she's really fond of Ethan, did Ethan get hurt and I just can't tell from his happy-go-lucky demeanor this night, what?

"Matthew. Ethan's little friend. His dad passed away from cancer this weekend."

My eyes grew twice the size, this was NOT the news that I was expecting and it threw me off my feet. I don't know Matthew or his mum and dad, but my eyes could not help but dart between Ethan's little smiling face beaming up at me and the photo of Christopher I keep in his cubby. My heart broke into a million little pieces and the questions of "Really God?!? Really!?!" all came flooding into the for front of my mind. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for this family, this child, the woman who just lost the love of her life. The pain I felt over a year ago came racing upon me, but before those feelings could cross the finish line - I mentally put up a wall for them to crash and burn into.

Ethan's teacher, still holding her hands, looked at me and asked if I was ok and in good ole "d" fashion, I raised an eyebrow, took a deep breathe and said "Yes. Yes I am."

In the end this teacher wanted to know if I would reach out to this woman. To let her know she not alone. But the sad part is. I know her place. Her pain. And the place where her mind dwells is not where you want another stranger dancing around telling you that everything is going to be ok, "see it happened to me and I'm ok". And you don't want to hear that it's going to be hard. That the easy part is over - now you have to figure out how life, your child, your-self all moves forward when all you want to do is be locked into your past. You don't want to hear about how you can love again - you had your love. And to explain that there are people out there who will run away from you the second you tell them that your a "Widow". That the greatest thing in life to over come is that the "dead do no wrongs" and when you do get over that - others around you won't. To know that as you travel through the grieving process and your child are on opposing paths. That while you can't keep it together, your child can and when you have moved past all the grief - your child will just begin to experience it.

No one needs to hear those things coming from a strangers mouth. Even if they went through the same thing. And maybe I'm wrong. But I've been right way more times than I've been wrong. SO. There was my choice. To go the easy road and tell this teacher that I didn't feel comfortable talking to this woman and go on about my sutto-not-so-merry way or do what this teacher thought I could bring to the table; to be there for this woman.

While I thought carefully as to what to say to this woman who came to me in the best meanings of her heart, she stopped me and said, "Oh and I almost forgot. Today we are sitting around in class sharing what we all thought Santa was going to bring us for Christmas and Ethan said..... Santa was bring him his daddy."

For the first time in months I re-felt that physical pain in my heart. Like someone shoved a sharp, rather large splinter into it and while I could feel it I couldn't see to hold it and pull it out. My eyes gazed upon Ethan and in my mind all I could think was how in the hell to I explain this one. Yeah I'm great about writing my feelings and emotions down on paper, but what do I say to Ethan. Confusion and numbness started to flood me from my head down. Double heart break.

I left the school and a small piece of paper with my contact information on it for the child's mother. Do I think she will call or email me? No. Like I said, I'm pretty good at reading people and I'm not often wrong and no-one who just lost the love of their life is going to go rushing to set up a luncheon with a member of Club "W" - because to reach out means it's real. And while all logic forces us to believe in this, you never really want to.

In the end, I will be there for this woman if she does call though. I've never turned down helping a friend when they are in need and I sure as hell am not going to turn down this woman if she reaches out - just because I don't know her. It's not in me.

The Tale that Time Tells

So Saturday night I'm cleaning my self up and going out with my girlfriends. Yes it is your typical Girls Night Out or GNO as we like to call it. So what makes this night different that it gets blog post you might ask? Well we are going out to celebrate as one of my friends puts it "celebrating d's awesomeness at surviving her first year". I have to say this makes me giggle, sigh, smile and tear up all at the same time.

I look back to a year ago; I had started working again, I was stressing over how to pull off the five-course Thanksgiving meal I had planned, I started grief sessions with my therapist, the world was on tilt and I wasn't sure if it was going to spin out of control or eventually slow down so I could at least feel my feet under me. Looking back to a year ago and my thought process to the whole situation; thinking that a year from that point seemed so far away and what if this feeling, this physical pain in my heart, didn't go away. What if it was there for the rest of my days and time didn't heal it? One morning during the holidays I got out of the shower and while brushing my hair I saw my one little silver hair that I had always been very proud of. It made it's appearance one week after Christopher went into the hospital; it was physical evidence that I was worried about my love. Then I saw another one, and another one and there was one more. Six in total, all in the same area, all silver in color. I sighed at the sight of my self in the mirror, towel wrapped around me and leaning over the sink to catch a better look at these little silver hairs that I nicknamed my "battle scars".

The funny part is while most women out there would run out and buy a bottle of hair color to cover them up - I loved them. My little proof that what I had been through was enough to turn some of my hair gray - and well not just gray, but silver. A symbolic color in my book that my great sadness had a silver lining if you will. Yeah it's a stretch and really all in the genetic make up your parents I'll give you - but I'm taking it as mine and nothing less than my silver lining. Several month later when I did color my hair I asked my hair dresser if he could color around them and leave them - I got a resounding "NO" - but that's how much it meant to me.

A year ago if I asked my self, "Hey you think you might be up for some girl time with your friends a year from now?" I would have said no, raised an eyebrow, huffed and maybe even thought of a mean, dirty little hand gesture to go with it. But as I recently told a friend... time tells all tales in the light we wish to see them in. Time has afforded me to look back on where I was in life and where I am now. There have been some rather large bumps, hills and valleys along this path, but I made it - still standing with both my feet firmly planted. So my tale of "awesomeness" as my friend puts it is over a year's worth of work. My six little silver hairs remind me that I discovered that I am stronger than I gave myself credit. Understanding that life isn't always fair, but it's all in the peace that you get from knowing that. Acknowledging that the silence we hear that makes us feel alone is only in our head. And finally being conscious of our own needs and not our desires.

So let the celebrating begin! Oh yeah... I have to wait till Saturday. :)

The Games People Play

So please bare with me while I trip, stumble and try to gracefully recover while keeping my cool exterior through this post. There have been some things on my mind recently and as a "single" woman. mom, friend, person (whatever you call it) and I feel like I need to put this out there and just get it off my chest. And I know that I might get kick backs, hands raised up in the air, a "Whoa, woman back it up there are two sides to every story", from those in the blog world, but again - that's why I asked you to bare with me - so in good ole "d" fashion... get over it.

Recently my parents came in for a visit and my dad and I had one of his famous "fireside chats". Now let me briefly explain these "fireside" yammers. I coined the term years ago when it dawned on me that when my dad offers you a drink and to sit outside - it's code for "we have to talk". And just as Roosevelt had everyone sitting around their radios waiting on his every last word, you have to sit on the edge of your seat because you never know what my dad is going to want to talk to you about. Did he learn this little tactic from the Army, his job or maybe it's just an Italian thing - who knows, but everyone in the family knows: drink + outside + dad = oy vay). What did we talk about? Well lets just say we had a very real conversation about dating, finances, Ethan and everything falls in between those lines that I'm not comfortable discussing here. It was a dad wanting and trying to look out for his daughter. To prove a point that not everyone in this world is nice and I just need to look out for myself first and foremost.

The conversation raised an eyebrow for me. I knew that the idea of having a relationship would be a difficult concept to navigate. How do you have one with a child. You don't want the child to become attached to the person your just "dating". The idea of Ethan becoming attached and then having that person ripped from him just when he becomes more attached than I; it would be like swallowing bits of broken glass. That's when the idea of living alone till Ethan turned 18 came to mind. Just a thought....

Then I heard from a friend a weekend or two back that her good friend's boyfriend broke up with her over a social networking site (did you follow that one?) This couple had been together for several months, talked of spending their lives together, even having children together, then BAM. The guy just ends it. And the way he ended it - strange for someone in their late 30's. When heard the tail of whoa all I could think about was, "Who does that? What person breaks up with their possible love over a social networking site? Are we in the sixth grade here? Seriously people!!" That's when the idea of living alone for the rest of my life with one or two cats came to mind. I'm just saying...

A few days later I found out that another friend of mind broke it off with his girlfriend of several months because he caught her in some lies and had a feeling that she wanted back with her ex-hubby. He said it had been coming and all the little lies he caught her in over a weekend was enough for him to say "enough is enough". And while he seemed upset, I think he's trying to see the positive in all of it and trying to remain strong. Me on the other hand. My jaw was on the floor and taking a gander at all the dust bunnies. Why do people lie in their relationships? If you don't want to be with someone then why waste their time or yours? That's when the thought of living alone for the rest of my life with 90 cats popped into my head. Hey, I did see a rather moving documentary on "Cat Ladies" on the Lifetime channel - it made a pretty good case for having cats....

In both these relationships my friends "significant others" played them on way or another and in all my dealings with friends/family that have had relationships that end badly; there is somewhere an underling plot of some game played by someone. Does this scare me? Umm yeah, whole new level of vulnerability here. Now here my out. I'm not saying I'm not strong enough to be in a relationship - it just make my beliefs in what I will put up with from someone a little stronger. I am a very giving, loving and caring person and in return I need someone like that back. Someone who accepts not only me, but everything that stands behind me. The pieces of my life where not chosen, nor will they be used as tokens for the playing.

I am very grateful for the relationship that I had with Christopher. He loved me in all the ways a woman (or man) should be loved. He showed me what a great love was - not could, would, but what was. And while I will never compare anyone to him; everyone is different. I know in my heart the way I should and want to be treated and well; games will not be played or put up with.

So you might be asking why did I write this. Well to be honest. After everything that has transpired this past few weeks it made me even more (insert eyebrow raise) hesitant about what the future holds. I know what I want in my "new normal" of this life that God gave to me, but is the pain and heartache worth it? People can be mean and cruel - and I have to worry about more than just my self now. So; do I or will I be that woman with 90 cats? No. I'm allergic to the little dander balls of fur. I'm just saying....

Living Strong for Those Around You

So this post was suppose to be about me going through my first milestone twice, how I did it, what I learned from it, etc. But as you all know from my last post, my friend Deanna (the woman who takes the awesome photos of Ethan that I rave about) is going through something that I don't wish on anyone.

Back in Feb of this year her dad went in to have a tumor removed from his brain. While the tumor wasn't cancerous, there was still a growth on his brain and near (or on - I can't remember it's been so long ago) the brain stem. Her family found a doctor who was willing to remove the tumor, surgery was set and everyone involved went in with hope and faith that the tumor would be removed, her dad would get moved into rehab and all would be right with the world.

That's where hope started and possibly ended. After the surgery there was news of strokes, fluid not draining, more surgeries, more waiting, more MRI's, more more more of everything they never dreamed of. And now they are in a catch 22. He has to get better so he can go to rehab so he can learn to swallow, if he can't learn to swallow, he will always get pneumonia and well possibly..... you know....

This news saddens me deeply and moves me on a whole other level. Sometimes in life we are faced with a choice; to do what is right and what is easy.... It would be so easy for me to say I can't deal with this situation and walk away from my friend. That the subject matter is too close to my own. But I can't. She is my friend. And I feel helpless for her. I have prayed that God give me the wisdom to do what is right for her and her family and that I am given the knowledge to know what to say and when. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave and have all the answers, but my answers flow easier down my face than they do in my mind sometimes.

I know that to be a good friend means being there for her when ever she needs anything and I will always be there for her. For whatever she needs, help with her kids, her house, meals, I'm there for her. I have prayed that her dad have the strength to fight this and move past all this; for this to be nothing more than a fleeting memory. And I pray for my friend, the she find that strength and peace that got her through these last few months and channel it to help her through this; and that she will be able to withstand the negative destructiveness of outsiders and deal with her dad's situation with minimal interference from those that would harm her.

I would just like everyone who reads this to stop and take a moment and please send good thoughts to my friend and her family.

Prayers for Deanna and her family

Everyone out there who reads this blog, please take a moment and pray for my friend Deanna and her dad. Back in Feb of this year her dad went in to have a tumor on his brain removed and has been in the hospital ever since. There have been complications left and right and now things are not looking so good.

Please pray that her Dad be given the strength needed to get well. Please pray for Deanna to have the wisdom to tackle anything that is thrown her way. And also please pray for Deanna's Dad's wife - that she find peace with whatever might happen.

This is such a good loving family, they need our support, love, prayers and good thoughts right now. Please take a moment.....

The Road Less Traveled

It's funny the people that God brings into your life right when you need them or their wisdom to help you through something that you thought you might never have been able to over come. There are several people like that in my life, but two come to mind frequently. Maybe because their stories are very similar considering that they both live in two different states and only know each other through me and what I share with them. They both taught me something about who I am and they both did it in two completely different ways.

My friend Dee wasn't my friend at first; we had what most would call a business partnership. I only called her when I need her services and she only called on me when she had something I needed. Then one day we found our selves in a similar situation. We both were grieving over the loss of a relationship. While hers was a separation from her spouse and mine was the physical loss of mine - there was something that was similar and underlining. We both talked about the loss of the physical touch from our spouses and how something so small as holding someone hands meant to us. What it meant for someone to look at us as though we meant something and now not to have that - to miss it was down right heart breaking.

Her separation came around the time of Christopher's passing and her divorce became final around the time of Christopher's one year marker. So, we sorta journeyed together on this path of what is next in life and roughing it as you will through milestones we weren't sure if we could get through. We often sent texts to each other with words of encouragement and requests for vodka or gin. But the important part is we made it. :)

I'm very proud of my friend Dee. She is a strong woman with a great heart and is always there for her friends whenever you are in need. She has come leaps and bounds and has transformed herself from the person that she was before to who she is now - the Dee she always was and dreamed of being and even found someone that cares completely for her (which just warms my heart). She has shown me that even after a great loss - there can be another step in your life, another extraordinary love, another wonderful "something" as long as you leave your heart open to it. Words will never be able to express what it meant to travel this road with her by my side. She taught me allot about my own tenacity on this journey and what it means some times to grin and bare it. To do just what you have to do. She is just one of the people that has made me realize that what I write here needs to be shared with other people going through the same thing.

Then there is my friend Jay. We went to school together and recently reconnected only to find he too was going through something very similar that Dee was going through and almost on a similar timeline. Any while the both of them handled their situations differently (the difference between a guy and girl) he to taught me something about my self as well.

He taught me one of the most important lessons that I will carry around with my self - guys can be just as vulnerable as the girls. That no matter what my fears are in life; there is someone else out there with the same fears. We're all vulnerable. That not matter how hard you fight for something, sometimes it's just not in the cards. That life should be filled with light and love and anything that I would love for my self should also be good if not better for Ethan. He reaffirmed that while not many people understand what I do on a professional level, it doesn't mean it's any less harder.

He too has been through allot is going through his own self discovery and I know that one day he will find someone that cares for him and his son the way he dreams of. To have a relationship filled with radiance and devotion.

I guess you could say that while my journey is the road less traveled by those my age; I have had those in my life who traveled a road just as calloused. They are people in my life that I will always have a place in my heart. They helped me when I needed it the most. My appreciation for them runs deep - they were there when I felt the word spinning out from under my feet, but made me feel like I would never fall. Thank you guys.

Ethan's Turn

Muppet there is so much I wish I could say to you right now and have you understand completely what it means to me in my heart. I look at you and there are times when my heart breaks and I can't help but let me emotions run down and swallow me whole from the inside out, but then there are those other moments. The moments I shout to the heavens in splendor over the monumental strides you have made in your short little life.

I know I have and will tell you a thousand times over that you are named after your grandmother. Your middle name; her maiden name. And as they say in the movies - with a great name comes great responsibility. See a year ago today she left this mortal plane. Yes, just a few short days after your daddy's services, your grandmother passed away. She was 88 and a fighter. She was a woman I was close to and looked up to. Your name "Ethan" means strong leader and no other name would have the honor of standing next to your great grandmothers maiden name. She was a leader. She taught me so many things that I don't think I could pick just one to tell you - all of her life lessons are meaningful and beautiful to me and as you get older I will share them with you.

Ethan, my emotions over the course of this year have run the gambit and yet in the end there has always been one little person standing by my side. You. As your mum, my fears for you fall down like rain upon me and while I find my self from time to time hydroplaning across these thoughts - that look in your eye and twinkle in your smile keeps me grounded. No matter the drama that unfolds in my day, you are there my Muppet to run into my arms and tell the whole world (or at least those in your day care), "That my mommy. Love you Mommy." Those six little words make all the drama melt away and makes me remember all the beautiful things in life.

I wish I could see the world through your eyes, a world without prejudice, pain or evil. A world that is filled with excitement over learning a new letter, color or number. I know one day you will grow up, but I hope that when you do - you still remember what it was like to live life so vicariously. Ethan, I will always be proud of you no matter who you are or grow up to be. Yes, my dreams and hopes for you are great; just as any parents' dreams, wants and desires would be for their child. But I also know that life is what you make of it and my only want in your life is for you to be happy. You could be a starving artist or a multi-million-dollar CEO, at the end of the day I want for you to be able to go home and smile at what you have.

As you get older you will find that there is allot you can change about your life, where you live, your friends, your job. But the one thing you can't change is that I love you and I will never be able to stop loving you. You are a part of your daddy. My little reminder of the way he was. You are very much a little smarty parts and you so get that from your daddy. The way you laugh - just like your dad's. And if I may be so bold to say it - both your eyebrows operate in the exact same manor. I guess what I am trying to say Muppet is that there is a part of your dad inside you - it's a part that wasn't learned - it's just a part of him locked in your soul. So when ever you feel lonely or that you miss him; just look in the mirror. You and him - you all share the same reflection.

I love you Muppet.

Mum

This is Real. This is Me.

On Monday Ethan and I went out to visit Christopher and give him some flowers. While driving up to the cemetery I could see that there had been a funeral. I will admit that even looking at a funeral brings back allot of feelings that I have worked hard to work through, yet it is still agonizing to see one or the aftermath of one. Driving around to where Christopher was I saw the little tent they put over the new grave, the casket on it's mighty perch, the rose flowers that adorned the top of it and a single woman with her sunglass on just sitting there. My heart dropped, I knew her place, the amplified pain in her heart that she felt, and her frame of mind. I pushed on past her and around to Christopher's grave. I told my self over and over I couldn't deal with this today - not this day.

I put the car in park and looked in my rear view mirror. I saw Ethan - so much like Christopher. I saw the small figure of that woman sitting at that grave beyond him. Then there was me, tears quietly streaming. Out my right window was Christopher. I was there for him and yet all I could do was think of that woman. Alone. It ate at me. I didn't know her story, and hers is different than mine - yet we all share the same emotions - we both lost someone we cared for, loved and treasured. I composed my self, got out of the car, then Ethan and I went for a walk.

I knew Christopher wouldn't mind if the first stop we made wasn't for him. There was something else I needed to do first. Something was pushing me to do what I was about to do; what I don't know, but it felt natural. I walked down the path towards this woman. The scene was an all to au fait; dressed in black, using sunglasses to hide the sorrow, having everyone there and yet feeling completely alone - I knew the model. As I walked up to her she turned and surveyed Ethan and I, but I don't think she knew what to say or do.

"I know you don't know me," I replied.

"No. No I don't know you," she said as if I was going to give her some other news flash she didn't want to hear this day. I explained how Ethan and I were out visiting Christopher, how he had passed away a year ago this very day and I thought she needed a hug. I wanted her to know that there are people out there that care even though she might not know them.

She started to cry. She said she had been waiting for them to physically burry the casket. She needed to see it, she needed that part of her closure - she needed to see it done, she couldn't stand the thought of leaving him like that, up on his perch. She talked about how her family wanted her to leave and she was sure they were all talking about her at the church reception calling her nuts, crazy, and even overly emotional. I sat next to her, held her hand, took a breath and as if it just flowed from my lips without even thinking about it told her that people are going to talk.

"They are going to talk about you, the great things you do and the weird things. It's the nature of the process. Death brings meaning into peoples lives and sometimes that meaning is pointless, but there are times when it's prolific. The thing that you need to remember is, you do what you do. What makes you feel comfortable; because in that is where the healing begins. Only you know what you need. So do what feels right in your heart."

She cried. Thanked me. Told me I was her angel. We said our goodbyes and Ethan and I went back to what the original plan was - visiting with Christopher. Walking back to Christopher's grave, as I walked I looked over my shoulder back at that woman dressed in black. And as if God was trying to play it all out for me, I got it - the symbolism of it all. Looking back at this woman, that was me - then, the path I walked back to the car, my journey - now and what lies beyond Christopher's grave - my hopes.

On the way home I contemplated this symbolic moment in time that God afforded me to have. This week the cycle became complete. I won't lie it was hard, yet empowering that I did it - I made it a year. The bills got paid, I made the choice to put Ethan in pre-school, there has been food on the table every night, laundry got done, a roof was fixed and a new fence was put in. And I did it all - on my own. That is not anything that anyone can take from me. If there is anything I can take from this year it is that I am a survivor. I have looked the most difficult of times in the eye - stared it down, most importantly didn't blink and told it to bring it. But then again I am a 5ft-2 spicy-part-Itailan woman. I'm sorta born with 'tude if you will; it flows through my veins like propane.

A year ago I was that woman sitting by her husband's grave, questioning "what's next? what am I suppose to do?" It had only been 16 short months prior to that that I was planning what great anniversary gift I was going to get the man I loved, the man that gave me a beautiful child, the man that meant the world to me. I was planning a great evening of candle light, romance and everything that goes with it. What I got him was a visit from his Aunt who had been told she had stage four breast cancer and beat it in the hopes that it would give Christopher hope that he could beat his cancer. We spent our anniversary in the hospital, his room adorned with photos of Ethan and I, flowers and cards of wishes of "getting well soon". That's sorta when life changed. I changed.

After countless hours of therapy I have come to terms that was the weekend that I started the grieving process. It was hard for me to shake the feeling that we had been down this road with his mother - was this the same road and path that was meant for Christopher? I told my self - his mom fought for 3 years - he can fight for more. And as much I was "Sally Sunshine" to my friends and told them I had hope - the little voice in the back of my head told me to enjoy the time I have with him, because nothing in this world is promised to us.

I spent countless hours doing research during my lunch hour trying to see what new cancer research was out there - what were doctors finding out about cancer - what natural remedies were people finding helpful with the side effects of chemo. I knew more about cancer than I ever wanted to. I was a wife, mother, nurse, housekeeper, friend and therapist. In the last few months of Christopher's life I took care of everything. He's only responsibility was his own work and beating cancer.

I had my moments of sorrow and broke down on him and in only Christopher fashion he made me feel better; that he could beat anything. Besides he always got what he put his mind to - he had me right... He was my rock and all I could wonder was how was I to make life move along without him?

Am I that same person who sat out by that grave a year ago? No. I've had to become so much more. The strong mother, the fun-loving daddy, the breadwinner, and everything else that I was before - and do it all with a smile. I've gained a shell that's a little harder around the edges, I don't put up with, well excuses the term, bullshit - life is way to short to deal with excess drama that doesn't even need to be brought up. I won't justify it. I've always been the sarcastic one - I'm just a little more so now - ok maybe more like ten fold (but whos really keeping track right). I've learned to forge my pain and frustration into sarcasm and amazingly some people find it down right funny while others think I'm being mean. And well, oh the _____ well. I've been through allot, 'nuff said.

I've learned to be a Mommy and Daddy to Ethan. I refuse for Ethan to feel left out of Father-esique projects just because he can't physically give his Daddy his love or a school made version of a soup-can-made-pencial-case. I am both. I can be the stern dad and loving mom. I am building memories so one day when Ethan asks "other kids go camping with their daddy's why can't I?" I can look him in the eye and tell him that his daddy with him always - to explain that when the wind blows on his face, it's his daddy telling him he's proud of him or when it rains down upon him, it's his daddy's tears of love that fall upon him. I will be both for my muppet; the one that plays catch, shows him how to fish, hike, camp, and anything else that boys do with their daddy's.

I will still have days that are hard and there will be days that find my self not in check with my emotions, but I know I made it a year and I will make it through many more.

One of my favorite lyrics is from a song by 10 years' "Day Dreamer" - "the day dreamers nightmare is to never even try." How true is that statement; it's my new motto in life. I am a day dreamer. Always have and always will be. Recently though my day dreams went on sabbatical for the last two and half years. With that said I've been trying to get back to my child like ways and start to day dream again. Right now my day dreams are more hopes than anything, but it's a start, right?

I hope that one day Ethan understands what has happened in his life - that I have given him the foundation of faith and love to accept the hand of "52 pick up" that we were delt. That he finds peace in his heart and mind and that he isn't afraid to ask questions about his daddy.

I hope that one day I am blessed with more children. Yes I said it - I would love to have more children. Is it in the cards? I don't know. Having more children means meeting someone and having a relationship and well that scares the living "shiznit" out of me. I knew how to have a relationship with Christopher - how do you have one with someone else? But then again this is my hope, so I hope one day I figure it out (but I'm in no rush to figure it out either). And to be honest as much as I would like to have more children, I am also at peace if in the end it has been God's plan all along for it to just be the two of us.

I'm glad I went to that woman, sitting there all alone. Even if she left there thinking I'm nuts, the act of going to her and talking to her helped me understand the "d" that looked backed on who she was, is and wants to be. This is real. This is me.

D Day

To My Love,

Today, a year ago, you left this mortal plane. Today is hard for me. Today completes a cycle, one that I dreaded and yet one that I needed to come. This has been one of the hardest years of my life, trying to learn how to do it all and "do-it-with-a-smile" as you liked to put it.

I didn't go to work today - today is your day my love. The idea of sitting behind a desk listening to people bicker over the little things in life seems tright right now. You always knew it was the little things in life that made me happy and you were wonderful about how you did them too. From the "I (heart) U" post-it notes all over our apartment, to the love letters written in dry erase marker on the shower door and most of all, the way you looked at me and crack a grin - I knew with one look you loved me from the inside out. That your love for me could never be justified in an action or assemablance of words - your love was that strong. I miss that, more than you will ever know. I miss that cocky grin and those dimples - they lit up my world. The nap of my neck misses the way you would run thumb over it to let me know that even though I had a rough day - I was home and the day was over - tomorrow would be a new dawn. My nose misses the way the bath room would smell of your cologne after you would get ready for work. My ears miss the way you answer your phone - "hey there love"...

If there was ever a question in your mind if you were a good dad - let me put your mind at ease. You were the GREATEST Dad known to man. No matter how tired you were - you made sure that you checked on Ethan every night and made sure that he felt loved with every second you had with him. He couldn't have asked for a better Dad. I know your family situation was not what you wanted for him and you did everything in your power to make sure he never went through what you did. You knew where those faults lie and you avoided them with grace and sophistication. Ethan has some rather large shoes to fill my love, but please know this, I will keep your memory alive for him. There will not be a day that goes by that he won't know his daddy loves him and what you did for him. He will know of your journey, your fight, your will and your love. Ethan one day will make a loving husband, devoted father and exceptional friend and he owes part of that to you.

Our life time was spread over 16 years and in those 16 years we had our own up and down journey of heart ache: your mum's passing and the drama that ensued after that, my grandfather, Katrina and your own awkward family situation. Most people take a life time to do everything we managed to squeeze into 16 short years. But I will always remember every moment, minute, second as if I was living it all over again. You gave me strength when I had none, you found the beauty in life when all I saw was darkness, as I once said, "if life was like a box of chocolate - you were the road map on the inside letting me know where the good caramels were and where the nasty nugget lay." You were my best friend in life. I knew if I had a problem, you would be there with open arms to give me a hug and then tell me I was nuts for thinking the things I do - that's what made me love you twelve ways to Sunday. You loved me and yet could still tell me I was crazy and laugh at me without making me feel like an outcast. You were my coach and my defender. There wasn't anything I could do to disappoint you, you loved me in all my silly ways and in all the ways that made me, well me.

This year has been tough. Some would say this year has been a discovery of who I am - but that's far from the truth; I know who I am - you always made sure that I was consistently true to my self. This year has been a year of figuring out how life moves along without you. Time does not stop for any one or anything; it's cruel that way. Nonetheless, it's also a blessing that it does keep moving. One of your favorite sayings was, "time will only tell". I hated that phrase, because it meant I had to wait for time to pass - and well me and waiting - well umm - 'nuff said.

You know, my love, my dreams will never be what I expected it them be; sometimes I feel as though I don't belong - an outcast in my own surroundings. Who would have guessed it, me not fit in. It's so hard sometimes to see the looks when I tell people I am a widow. People can be cruel, but I know that grief is a nobel act; after all, it is emblematic of the deep love between us and my sorrow makes me more human than those people. I know in our toughest of times, you were the one to tell me "something" that while at the time seemed simple and understated was the greatest epiphany one could have. You were a sage in my eyes; knowing you has made me a part of who I am - the person that sees the good in everyone and doesn't judge based on first impressions. So I tell myself these people who don't know how to pick their mouths up off the floor - just never had anyone like you in their lives. ;)

I was listening to "our song" the other day - it really is our song. Listening to lyrics and the meaning. You were and are my flame. The light that filled my heart and will keep filling my heart. I will love you - always. You are my hero and through your memory I will send on the light you brought into my life to others. You will never really die in my eyes, because you live in the twinkle of Ethan's smile and the reflection of my own eyes.

You are a great man Christopher - notice I didn't say were - that's because your mission in life isn't finished - your story lives on. Today is for you. I love you for everything you did for me, my family and most all Ethan.

I love you My Love,
-d

Bittersweet October

Everyone has a favorite month out of the year, for some it's due to a holiday or special occasion, for others it's a change in weather. For me it's sorta all of the above. October is a month when the weather starts to change and become cooler; pleasant. It's also a month filled with events in my life that I hold dear to my heart: Christopher's Mum was born in October, so was my Grams, I met Christopher, Ethan was conceived (over sharing I know), October was the first month Christopher and I both thought of to have our wedding (but couldn't wait that long so picked May) and we can't forget Halloween! So in a nut shell - October has always brought me happiness. I've known for awhile that October is my month - if anything is going to happen - it will always be in October. That's how I knew after the phone call from Christopher's doctor that he wouldn't pass away anytime before October. October was our month and Christopher always had a way of getting what he wanted....

So recently in grief therapy, my therapist has asked me to re-live if you will the events and personal thoughts of the month leading up to Christopher's passing and what October now means to me. And I have debated heavily over wither or not to share that part of my story. My mind goes all sorts of topsy-turvy of why I should and shouldn't. Sometimes I feel like people need to know that death isn't pretty. Death in-and-of-itself is peaceful - it's the suffering that is gut wrenching. But then again, I want to keep Christopher's memory of how people remembered him in the way they want to remember him - people don't need to read in my allegorical way the events leading up to his passing. However, it is those events that have shaped me into who I am today and why I am such an advocate to do what I can for those with cancer and their families.

I've tried to burn out the memories of some of the things I went through and hard as I might there are also things I will never be able to forget. They will live with me, locked in a box and I have swallowed the key. I've dealt with these events and the feelings that were birthed from them, but if I was even asked - I would not share. There is a show that I like to watch and have found it to be very cathartic lately with their new topics of good vs. evil, but I digress. Shortly after Christopher passed away, the clip below aired. I watched this scene over and over and over. This character was me and the words that came out of his mouth were like they were my own. The character (literally) spent some time in hell and while talking to his brother, he tells him why he can't share what he went through. It's better than any words I can form here.

Because Of You

Dear Cancer,

You entered my life through the back door. Creeping up on us, silent and unknowingly. Had we known you had been there hiding - you would have been eradicated. Were you there hiding at our wedding, our trip to New York, when we went down to New Orleans? I guess it doesn't matter where and when you hid from us, you did what your goal in life is to do.

Because of you, I became scared for the life of my son. You took his grandmother and his father and I thought in my heart the next on your list of destruction was my muppet, my Ethan. Well I hate to tell you - he's not, I'll make sure of it. See the thing you didn't count on, is the fact that he was made from the purest form of love. He has my will, his daddy's determination and our combined faith in hope. You messed with the wrong family this time. I know more about you than I ever wanted to and I will use that to my ability to fold and twist you into a paper doll. I know where you hide and I will be looking for you. I will teach Ethan to look for you too. You just happen to piss off the wrong Mum this time.

I learned the hard way of your process. Yeah, I cried every night in my sleep. You made me watch the one I love die. You made me want to forget every painful detail. You made me ashamed of my life because it felt so empty. You made me afraid and retreat in my shell. I hid the weakness in my eyes, force a smile, faked a laugh and lied to my self that my heart couldn't break any more than it already had. You convinced me that this life was what I could look forward too again and because of you, I convinced my self that there was nothing to look forward to in anything. You took my light and snuffed it out as if was just a dimly lit candle.

In this year, I've reaffirmed that family doesn't have to be blood bound. That the limitations that I placed on my self in my mind are just that - in my mind. I have found comfort and friendship in those I thought I never would. And it was one friend that taught me how to smile again and what the phrase "strength with conviction" means to me. This year has been the largest roller coaster I've ridden in my life and there where times I wanted off so I could puke my guts out and wave a white flag. But I didn't.

Any while this weekend was harder than most milestones so far, I've broken through my confusion. I have seen the good, bad and all the things in between. Pretty soon your ego will catch up with you - and I will be there, with one eye brow raised, ready and waiting to kick your little ass - so brace your self. I will not make the same mistakes we did before, I've learned my lesson. You come around here and you're gonna see what it means to be "thunkerstruck".

Know this. Christopher put up the most amazing fight and while he is gone; he is still mine, Ethan and other's hero. His story will live forever; while in the future yours will be a brief memory. One that we will find a cure for and your life will become all but a helter-skelter memory. You have no control over me, Ethan and my family.

May peace be with you,

-d

Thunderstruck - AC/DC

It All Started With A Phone Call

A year ago, Saturday, I knew something was not quite right. Christopher's work had called me and ask that I pick him up; he was in a daze, running on auto pilot and just wasn't him self. When I asked him what was wrong he told me he took his pills out of order (which if he did - would cause him to be sleepy). The next morning I got up and let him sleep in; praying that whatever was facilitating all of this would be able to be slept off.

He woke up around 1pm, thanked me for letting him sleep so late, but that I should have woken him up so he could spend time with Ethan and I. I could see in his eyes that something was wrong, but what - I couldn't put my finger on it, nor wrap my head around it. After making us some lunch we sat down to eat and Christopher took one bite from his sandwich and told me that he was tired and was going back to bed. Bells, alarms and being on the cusp of panic I let him go back to bed, but knew that I had to start forming my strategy quickly - I knew in my gut something wasn't right.

As soon as he was asleep I put Ethan down for a nap and raced straight for his pain medicine, taking two and three stairs at a time and if I was playing out some bad made for TV movie scene. I was sure that I had determined the crux - he was/had overdosed on his pain meds. It was the only thing I could think of (or that my mind would allow me to think of at that moment) - why would he sleep all day and not have a cohearnat thought? I looked at the label - refilled 7 days ago - 60 pills were missing - holly effing crap! I told my self over and over again not to get overwrought - there has to be other pills in his pill case that he carried around. There is no way he took almost 10 pills a day - he's only suppose to have 2-3 a day.

I dashed like mad to his pill case; there was only one pain pill in there. All sorts of expletives came to mind when the mental math, plus the overall visual of Christopher and knowing that one pain pill was like taking a hit of heroin came crashing into my head in one of the most vicious collisions I have mentally allowed my self to have. I called the doctor to get his thoughts on the matter and of course I get the - "leave a message and someone will call you back". I wanted to scream - "you a$$! what did you do to the one I love!" Instead, I left every detail twice and my number three times. I then hung up and called our neighbor to watch Ethan - I knew for sure in my mind's eye that he was going to have me take Christopher to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. I just knew it - I still had hope.

Right as the phone rang, my neighbors came knocking at the door and as almost planned down to the second by God. I got the news that literally dropped me to my knees and ripped my hope that had my knuckles white from holding on to it so tightly in those few minutes from my heart, mind and soul. The strength that had keep me from losing it the past 16 months was thrown out the window as if it was in some bad mob movie. It was as if a weight was placed on my shoulders and I didn't know what to do with it. So I let it crush me. I let it consume me for that moment. "You let 5 seconds of fear in - because that's all you need to give you strength - any more than that and it will drown you with it."

The rest of the day is a blur. Maybe because I blocked it out - maybe because it was just that - a blur. But out of that day I remember the pain. The pain of knowing that Christopher was going to die, the agony of knowing Ethan was going to grow up without his loving daddy, the torment of how in the hell was I suppose to do this and all the while thinking - "God picked the wrong hero to do this".

Here it is a year later and yet time makes it feel like it was only yesterday and yet also 5 years ago. I've become stronger (even though I hate that word, but that's for another post), I've gone through every emotion in the book - and then some when you look up the word grief. I've also been knocked down a few times, by those that surround me and those that know nothing about me. I have put faith in knowing that this had to happen as odd as it sounds. This, in some sick way, is what will mold Ethan for something later in life. What?, I don't know. Maybe he finds the cure for cancer, because of his dad. Maybe he shares his dad's story with someone who goes through the same thing and it touches them deeply enough to find hope their situation in life. Who really knows. I know I don't. That is the beauty and atrocity of it all - we don't know why and we might never will. And the only person who does know - doesn't often share his ways with us.

So as my process goes - another ring will come off Saturday. I put up my future, to remember my past - one that I will always remember, always love and always have a place in my heart.

Somewhere In Between - Lifehouse

Waging War Against Good and Evil

So recently, my dear sweet, Dublin the dog passed away. The day he passed away one of my friends questioned if this was a set back in my moving forward. I didn't have to consider the answer - it was. Dublin was my furry little guardian, my reminder of Christopher and all of our intentions before we had Ethan and before cancer.

I went to my grief therapist later that week and told him of Dublin's passing. He warned me that I would go through all the same emotions I went through this year again, but in a short time frame and ten times worse being that I was on the cusp of the two months I necessarily wasn't looking forward to.

See, one of the things I never really forced my self to deal with was the idea that my life was just Ethan and I. (And let me say - yes I have friends and family who are there to help when I need them, to which ergo, I'm not really alone in the world. Hear me out before you pass judgment here.) Dublin was my little furry feeling that there was someone else in the house - someone to talk to when I needed to vent at night. Someone who would bark at me from time to time to fill the silence that music and the TV couldn't mask. Now that he's gone I have to deal with the totality of those feelings and being alone. Those feelings were pushed deep down to deal with at a later date and time and well it's later and the pressure cooker has been stewing for awhile.

I left there in tears, already feeling numb (a phase of grief). The idea that I was going to go through what I went through for a year - again - was painful to think about. I sat at home that weekend and thought about everything. I thought about all that had happened in my life over these two years, all that had happened in Ethan's life, I tried see the sun through the trees and when I couldn't - I tried to break my sun into a million little pieces to try to see it better, yet as I tried all I saw was everything that was dark and looming.

I tried to fight it, but that battle was lost. To be honest, I don't like to take about my inner battles in my head where I try to see the positive, the negative, the good and evil of it all. These are my battles - private ones, ones that are for me and me only. But one of the things I do in my struggles to make it through is to get mad and get a hardened shell. Envision if you will, you know you're about to get hit by something - something hard; do you flinch? Tense up? For me I get angry, I look what's coming at me head on and take it. I refuse to curl up in a ball and be hit so I can be hurt.

So to get through these months I've gotten angry. And, as of recent, people have brought to my attention that I'm angry, pissy, and they don't know how to talk to me. Which I have to say, just pisses me off even more, because in the same breathe they tell me I'm not looking at the positive in life and some how make reference to me having Ethan, a house, my health, etc. And YES I HAVE ALL THOSE THINGS AND MORE!!! AND I'M THANKFUL FOR THOSE THINGS IN MY LIFE. I THANK GOD FOR THEM EVERY DAY.

However, there are times in our lives when we need to vent to get it off our chest - no matter what we say or if we mean it, it makes us feel better that we said it. It is that nagging thought that needs to come out and we tell it to our friends because we know that they will not judge us or hold it against us at a later date and time. Alas, in my case - people don't see it that way and well, oh the _____ well.

I have always been the person people came to when they had problems. Why? I don't know, maybe because I'm a good listener or I give good advice? I really don't know, all I do know is I am the friend people turn to - I've been the friend that listen to her friend talk about her marriage being a sham, or the friend who vents about the silliest little things, or the couple who vents about the other to me because they don't know how to communicate with themselves. And I think for once people don't know how to take the "d" that just needs to vent. That doesn't want to be laid back any more, the "d" that needs to get angry to make it through these months.

This is my battle with my emotions and I don't expect anyone to say they understand - because they don't and never will. I will never be able to put into words the way I feel - nor do I really want people try and understand. I don't care what people think their worse situation is in life, because take that and then take your best friend who always knew the right thing to say to make you feel better out of the equation and your spouse or anyone that made you feel better with a hug or that look in their eye, and now add in voices of other people's thoughts on what you should and shouldn't do, add a dash of crazy, a cup of frustration, stir, beat and bake in the oven for 350 until every last nerve is burnt to a crisp. Yeah - it's a little like that.

So let me be angry - I'm that proverbial super hero who at the beginning of the movie isn't the hero (or doesn't know it yet), then doesn't want to be the hero and yet after the most amazing battle and the dust clears - you find them standing, using their anger and frustration over the situation to stand a little taller, gain more strength and kick some evil a$$. I'll make it through this - I always have and I always will.

One Day

One day the months of September and October and the rest of 2009 will be a fleeting memory. One that for some will be filled with thoughts of how great this year was, others the change in their lives that happened and for me - well, lets just say I don't think 2009 will be a year I will want to look back on to. Not that is was a bad year or a great year - it was a year of transition; one that was painful and to say the least awkward.

It's no lie for anyone that has followed this blog that the months of September and October are not and will not be the easiest of months for me. In these next two months I will hit three more mile stones and one mile stone will be hit twice. By the end of October I will have completed a cycle - one that I didn't think would ever happen and one that I didn't know how I would make it through.

I have spent this year grieving, crying, being angry, sad, frustrated, wondering why and everything else that was left in between. And while this process is not something that will magically go away when I hit the one year mark (this is something that I will carry around for a long time). Christopher was my best friend in more ways than I could put to words at the moment - so I not only grieve(d) for my husband, but my friend.

We were each other's best friends - there wasn't anything I didn't know about him or his feelings and visa versa. That is what our relationship was - we respected each other on a different level than some. We both put family first and respected that we might share different ideas, but that didn't mean we cared any less for the other person. We respected each others feelings and never called each other a name or cursed at each other - we respected the up most rule - "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." Luke 6:31. This is what made us special; it's what made our relationship special to each other; it's one of the things I miss the most about him.

With that all being said, there are somethings I have come to learn over this year. I know I'm young and life didn't end because Christopher lost his battle with cancer. I have listened to other peoples view points on my situation. Honestly I've heard it all; from people's view points on one-night-stands all the way through their view points on why I should never re-marry or if I do how there should be no big wedding because I already had that - it seems everyone has an opinion on the matter of my life. And while I have tried to keep my thoughts and feelings on these topics the locked in my head and guarded by my tongue, I know there have been times I have been an open book instead.

I've spent this year sorting out my emotions of the, whys, the what ifs and what nows. I have come to understand the sound of silence - the beauty and vileness of it all. I've figured out how to balance work, Ethan and taking care of everything in between. I've blown "wind up my skirt", broke down, screamed, yelled, and sobbed. I've slept, not slept ,dreamed and wanted to dream. I've made choices on my own with no outside help; my thoughts have been my own.

The idea that a year will pass is completely over my head, but also completely under my feet and while I dread it - I yearn for it. To make it through this cycle, stand tall and say I did it. I've come across the other side - a little tattered around the edges, but still standing. As my old favorite saying says - "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. And what kills us was only a brief moment of weakness."

I don't want people to view me as damaged, bitter or fragile at best. It took me a year to realize that the word "widow" doesn't define me, it's just a part of who I am. I think it's a rare few that understand when I say "my heart is broken; yet still beats and through all the pain of where I have been, I know there is place where I will heal." Overly dramatic yes - but I know some of you out there get it.

I know that one day God's plan will make itself clear to me - or not - but I am ok with that. Either way, in the end, I'm still "d". I'm still the fun-loving friend who puts others before her-self, the person that finds the good in everything and everyone, I'm still a smart-a$$ when it comes to standing up for my self and most of all - I'm still just plain old "d".

Come on Sept and October - I'm ready for you.

My Gift To Me

On Saturday's Ethan and I have our normal routine that consist of a morning walk around the neighborhood. Today, while on our walk, I was taking in the day, the sun and listening to Ethan point out the birds, bunnies and planes and I started making a list in my head.

See in about a month my family will start asking me what "Santa" should bring Ethan for Christmas and I just find it easier to think of things ahead of time so when the question comes up, I have an answer. In trying to figure out what Santa should bring Ethan - I remembered to when Christopher used to ask me, "So. Love. What do you want for Christmas?"

I used to laugh and tell him what ever he got me I would love - even if it was just an empty box of tissue paper (that was an inside joke). But the truth of the matter is Christopher always found something that I would never think of and I loved it. That was the hardest part about last Christmas - not having a gift under the tree from him.

My mind started to wonder about this Christmas. How would I feel? Would it be different since this would be the second Christmas without him? And one of the things that came to my mind was that I should get my self a gift. One that will mean something to me. Not clothes. Not stuff for the house. Something for me. Something that when I look at it will remind me that I can do anything - even get through the holidays.

A friend of mine told me about a necklace that a single mom only sells to single divorced moms - it's a leaf and represents the idea of "turning a new leaf". My friend suggested that I get one. So I went on the website, read the story and in the end - it just wasn't for me. I guess, in the end, I'm not turning a new leaf. The leaf just didn't mean anything to me. No matter what beautiful story this woman wrote about it.

So while on my walk I thought about who I am, where I've come from and what I have done in my life. Then like on cue Ethan broke my train of thought and yelled, "Mommy, bird, bird, bird. It go tweet tweet tweet!"

I looked at this bird, this little bird that had no fear while I walked past it with Ethan yelling at it from his stroller - it just stood there looking at us. Feathers blowing in the wind. Then it hit me. A feather - my life is like a feather. My core is strong while the beauty of my outside is delicate, soft and it's what helps keep me warm at night. A feather in old-den times was used as a writing tool to spread the word - I want to keep Christopher's story, our story alive for people to give them hope.

As in all things that I do - this too had to have meaning and with a simple little "tweet tweet" from my muppet - I found it. So tonight I went online and found what I was looking for. Like it was meant to be. This necklace; a feather and a cross together on one chain. With a small little diamond (the stone of eternity) in the center of the cross and the feather that sits so nicely next to it. The feather and the cross - my life, God's plan - I could not ask for anything better.

This is my gift to myself. Something that has meaning and will remind me when I wear it that I am a strong person - that what I have been through makes up who I am - not what I am.

Doing Things Twice

Today when I got into work there was a package in my chair; a little white box addressed to Ms Denise A Seibert. I looked at this little white box in my chair and took a deep breathe. It's my new calendar for 2010.

Shortly after Christopher passed away I had to order my calendar for 2009 and I remember when it came in flipping through all the dates in this little brown book - how was I going to do this. How was I going to make it through this year? I wrote down all my important dates in it, closed it and prayed that time go easy on me. Before I knew it, Thanksgiving had passed, Christmas was a fleeting memory, new years was akward, and the rest of the year has seem to blow by.

Today was the first time I did something twice. I pulled out this little brown book and this morning filled it with all the important dates for 2010. I scanned through the dates, but this time instead of thinking how I was going to do this, I thought, "I did it once - I can do it again". I closed the book and put it aside, there were no prayers for time to be easy on me. Don't get me wrong, this new year will not be an old hat and I still know that I will have my ups and downs. But I have a feeling about 2010 - this will be my year. My year for something, I don't know what, but I know in my heart things have to start swinging in my direction. It's the laws of physics right?

The 3's

Today was Ethan's first day of school in the 3 year old group. I guess what's funny about this whole day was I was up most of the night trying to write the best "Love Note" to Ethan and in the end it was short sweet and to the point. I know what you are thinking - love note? Let me explain.

Being in the 3's (as the school likes to call it) there is a whole new world of things that they do that the 2's don't. One of them is "Love Notes". Every Monday and Tuesday you are suppose to write a note to your child filled with words of endearment so that they know you are thinking of them. You are also suppose to have a "backup" love note so if they have a bad day at school the teacher can pull out a note and help your child understand that your coming back for them and you hope they have a good day.

I think I wrote like 20 notes last night. All different and yet all the same. I had my own mind melt down as to how I put Christopher in the notes - see these notes are read aloud and I wasn't sure how this subject would be handled in a room full of children. That was all I need is to have some kid get upset that Ethan's daddy died and would his daddy die....

But then at the same time - this is Ethan's life. Nothing is going to change that Christopher is gone and I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen either. Ethan is becoming a little boy, he understands what it means when I say, "let's go visit daddy" and tells me all the time that "Daddy has flowers" and before we leave he gives Christopher's marker a kiss (there is a nice collection of lipstick and Ethan slobber on it now). So I was left with what to say?

This morning I re-wrote the love note again and this is what it said:

Dear Ethan (my muppet),

I want to start with saying your daddy and I love you more than you will ever know. We are both proud of you for everything you do in school and at home. You are very special to us in more ways than I can count. I hope day is a very special day for you Muppet. I think of you often while I am at work and know that as soon as my work is done I will be there for you with open arms to pick you up and bring you home. I can't wait to take you to the park after school so you can tell me all about your day and I too can tell you about mine.

I love you Ethan - my Muppet.

Mommy

I hope my little man had a good first day today....

Wind Up My Skirt

So I know I have posted about hope, life and love and everything making me stronger blah blah blah. But I will admit as we approach the one year marker my mind drifts to a year ago. A year ago this month Christopher had a CT Scan that showed the cancer wasn't growing. Our hearts were filled with joy at the prospects of possibly being at a turn in the journey of treatments. One month later I would get the phone call that dropped me to my knees; "he's in liver failure, he's dying." And a month after that, "the great sadness" as the book The Shack calls it. These next few months make me think about everything - how Ethan was a year younger, how my hopes and dreams were yanked from me and set a blaze in a carnage that can only be seen in bad made for TV movies.

Ten days after Christopher passed away - Grams passed away. While I stood in the hospital lobby wearing Christopher's old baseball tee, talking on the phone, passing the word of what had happened and trying not to lose it - or at the very least from running outside and shouting to the heavens, "SERIOUSLY, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! KICK ME WHILE I'M DOWN DON'T YOU!" I stood there - looking at my refection in the window, seeing a woman who had been through a lifetime of everything and nothing all at the same time and she was only 31. I used to tell Christopher I did yoga so I could live to be 100. And he would laugh at me; he always thought I was joking. But I wasn't and all I could think of was - if I live to be 100, what else is there to do in life now - I've done it all and I'm only 31....

So I took my mother home - called who I needed to get things moving for Grams - I had become a pro at this by now. And went to bed. The next morning - I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay there and hide - hope that this was all a dream - one very sick dream, but the empty place in our bed next to me told me otherwise. That morning I chose to get up, keep moving and make it through this - this day, this hour, this second. I told my self that everything was going to be ok, Ethan was going to be ok and time would heal everything.

I've told my self this every morning since they passed, I've blown wind up my skirt as my father likes to put it. Time will heal. I filled my life back up with music, and tried my best to move past somethings that I thought were holding me down. And after a year I think I have - finally. The mornings; while still rough getting Ethan ready for school and me ready for work, have gotten a little brighter. So much has changed in a year it's almost hard to fathom.

Ethan is in pre-school and doing so well (I'm so proud of him) and I'm praying that he's completely potty trained by Halloween. Work is work, but we are weathering this economic situation with the world rather well. I'm finding recently that I do crack a smile from time to time. And while there is still a pain in my heart, there are things in the world that I'm looking forward to and hoping for and that helps ease that pain.

Every morning I have a arsenal of music that helps me get through the days (as many of you who follow me on Facebook know). Today the song that started me writing this post, "Until the end" by Breaking Benjamin. I've hummed this song to my self - allot... But the message is clear and has helped me get through the days that I thought would never end.

Why give up, why give in?

It's not enough, it never is.

So I will go on till the end.

It's easy

To fall apart completely.

I feel you creeping up again.

In my head.

It's over,

No longer will I

Feel it growing colder

I knew this day would come to end,

So let this life begin.